this girl should scare you!

2004-03-28T20:33:00.000-08:00

so, let us all say BYEBYE to my blogspot now.... i am officially moving on to xanga.. want to keep up with my life? visit me there.

2004-03-22T14:39:00.001-08:00

2004-03-22T14:39:00.000-08:00

i was going to start writing something, and then i forgot what it was. lol.. man, im so special, arent i?

so its the first official day of my spring break, and im already bored outta my mind. i havent done anything at all today (well anything productive, that is.).. its great!!! and tomorrow morning/afternoon tina & i are gonna go see "starsky & hutch" cuz we are SUCH losers. hahaahahaha.. and then tuesday night, after i have dinner with my mom, heathers gonna come spend the night and then we're gonna get up and go shopping! wooooo!! we're gonna go to oakridge, near where nick lives, because thats the only fucken mall around here that has both an old navy AND a torrid. those yuppie white bastards. lol so yeh.. i work next weekend too. =P

so this weekend was a kool one. friday night i went over to chris' as usual.. we went and saw "eurotrip". HILARIOUS! man, i recommend it to just about everyone.. it was great. and it had an awesome "seriousness" to it, i guess. it was a good movie overall though.

then on saturday, TINA BO BINA'S BERFDAY!!!!, chris, jo, tina & i went and saw "dawn of the dead"... eeeeep! scary zombies that run and put their heads through FUCKEN DOORS!! grrrr... lol it was great.

okay i think im off for now. lots of love.

2004-03-15T20:54:00.000-08:00

GODDAMMIT I WANT IT TO COME OUT NOW!!!!

2004-03-11T18:10:00.000-08:00

HEY EVERYONE!!! HELP BRING AN END TO THE FCC'S INFRINGMENT OF FREE SPEECH!!! GO TO THIS SITE AND SIGN THE PETITION!! theyre trying to get 1 million signatures, so send it out to all the people you know!

http://www.stopfcc.com

2004-03-11T15:29:00.000-08:00

im going back to taking tons of quizzes!!! wooooo quizzes!!! lol

Heart of Glass

What is Your Heart REALLY Made of?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are a moon shadow. With the moon as your source
you are a being of great mystery. Constantly
drifting, you descend into darkness to conceal
your brokenness. You have come to believe that
you are the only one you can rely upon for
constancy and safety that you need. But those
who know how to see you find enchanting beauty
in your wistfulness and fragility. It is to
them that you should flee, for their arms are
an open haven where your true light can finally
thrive..(please rate my quiz cuz it took me for
freaking ever to create)

What Kind of Shadow Are You? (with gorgeous pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

haha aint that one a bitch? ahhh, the truth sucks. =P

You are the grammar Fuhrer. All bow to your
authority. You will crush all the inferior
people under the soles of your jackboots, and
any who question your motives will be
eliminated. Your punishment is being the bane
of every other person's existence, because
you're constantly contradicting stupidity.
Everyone will be gunning for you. Your dreams
of a master race of spellers and grammarians
frighten the masses. You must always watch your
back. If only your power could be used for good
instead of evil.

What is your grammar aptitude?
brought to you by Quizilla

uhhmm.. thats kinda scary... lol

A Loud Guitar Solo: You are the wild one! Loud
noises and chaotic scenes are in your
preference. You have a sense of adventure that
is truly yours alone. Whether your at a concert
or at home enjoying a thunderstorm, you are
bold and beautiful! Rock On!

What Sound Are You?(now w/ pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

2004-03-09T20:28:00.000-08:00

so, ive been busy lately. lots of school work to do, and lots of absolute insanity going on. =)

uhhhmm... so im not talking to jon anymore, on an unspoken mutual agreement, if one wants to call it that. thats okay though, ive gotten to the point where i dont care, and im finally realizing how much better off i am without him. all he did was hurt me, and im sure i hurt him (though, until the other night, i never said anything to intentionally hurt him). ive been less stressed since all of that went down. thank gawd.

on a happier note, JAMIES COMING TO VISIT IN A COUPLE WEEEEKKKSSS!!!! man, im probably as excited as tina is, and i dont even get sex out of his visit! lol he's coming up here on the 29th, and leaving april 2nd, apparently, so he's basically going to be here for all of tina's spring break. my break is the week before that. =P so i have the 20th (saturday) thru the 28th off... and THEN the following week, on the 29th, my AIS prof is cancelling class so i only have class from 9 to 12 that monday because my physics lab is also cancelled due to the cesar chavez day holiday on wednesday. so i dont have school on wednesday the 31st either, because of cesar chavez day. and then on the 1st is the STORY OF THE YEAR CONCERT!!! ahhh... sexiness.... =) and then i have a normal 8-12 school day on friday. teehee!

on an even HAPPIER note, chris & i have been doing quite well. i got my ring today. =) i picked it up when tina and i went to the mall.. good times. =P and this saturday, chris' friend kyle is going to go on a double date with us.. WITH JO! muahahahaha... he (kyle) is from el paso also, and they knew each other when they were living back there. and kyle is going to the culinary academy too, so WOOHOO! we're gonna go see the new johnny depp movie "secret window" *drools* and then have dinner or something. fun, eh? =) im really excited!!!! heheh

okay, i think thats enough for now. imuna go take a shower and prepare for another warm day in the bay area tomorrow. =) *chyah for hot weather!* gawd i never thought id say that. lol nite all

2004-03-03T23:19:00.000-08:00

just another grand day in paradise.... i guess my friendship with jon is finally, truly over.. i know, some of the things i said were cruel, but for once in my life i stood up against him, and it only ended in destroying our friendship. fuck it. i give up. i never meant a goddamned thing to him, so im just going to erase him from my memory.

xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:18:07 PM): ...hey...
slimzworld (10:18:59 PM): hey.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:19:07 PM): .....still hate me?
slimzworld (10:19:29 PM): iono
slimzworld (10:19:32 PM): waht you want ?
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:19:46 PM): ....i just wanted to say hi. :-\ im sorry.
slimzworld (10:20:11 PM): go say hi to your bf.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:20:19 PM): *sigh*
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:20:29 PM): why does it always have to be like this with you? why is it always all or nothing?
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:23:09 PM): you know, maybe youre right for hating me. maybe im just completely unworthy of your time. i probably always have been.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:23:49 PM): so if its going to be this way, and you dont want to speak to me ever again, then just say it. because ive spent the last 2 nights crying and worrying that youre going to hate me for the rest of our lives. so if its going to be that way, im probably just some crazy bitch that deserves it.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:25:20 PM): so tell me now. if you dont want to ever speak to me again, then fine. at least have the decency to tell me, so i can try to get over it.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:26:52 PM): im assuming that means you dont want to speak to me ever again.'
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:26:56 PM): thanks for being able to tell me.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:27:07 PM): *sigh* if this is the way its going to be...
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:27:11 PM): then have a nice life, jon.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:27:28 PM): i hope you dont encounter anymore fucked up, horrible people like me to ruin your life.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:31:27 PM): you know, before i go, i want to say something. i cant believe that after all this time, you still think this is all MY fault. i admit, yes, i did and said some stupid things over the years. but DAMN, jon, im not the only asshole in this relationship. you've made me cry & broken my heart more times than i can count, and yet this is all MY fault? how does that work out? you've never once told me how you felt, so i never know whats going on. and even now, you dont have the decency or consideration to even just flat out tell me you dont ever want to speak to me again. what kind of "friend" is that? and you accuse ME of not caring about YOU? ive TRIED to save our relationship (if i recall correctly, when you broke up with me, i practically begged you not to leave.) and our friendship, and you just wont have it, will you? you cant accept the fact that i love you to death and i do care about you, but i dont want to be with you. how is that fair? ive done nothing but try to stay civil with you and have a normal friendship with you, and because you cant handle the fact that im in love with someone else because i FINALLY got over loving you for so many years, youre throwing it all away. thank you SO much, jon, for proving to me that people are just worthless, and that i mean nothing to them. i hope youre happy. youve succeeded in doing what youve always wanted to do - break my heart.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:33:30 PM): so fuck it. i guess this never meant a goddamned thing to you. im glad youre leaving, because i know you never gave a shit about me. its better this way.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:36:32 PM): i cant believe you. you dont even have the balls, nor the decency, to tell me that you want me out of your life? i cant believe i ever wasted this many years on you. loving you was the biggest mistake ive ever made.
slimzworld (10:37:56 PM): loving you was the biggest mistake ive ever made.
slimzworld (10:38:00 PM): FUCK YOU
slimzworld (10:38:13 PM): you're gonna sit here and tell me that shit?
slimzworld (10:38:15 PM): fuck you.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:38:25 PM): and you think you have the right to break my heart and hate me for something that ISNT MY FAULT?
slimzworld (10:38:32 PM): why the hell did i even bother giving you the chance to hurt me if you're sitting here talking to me and disrespecting me like that.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:38:45 PM): its not my fault that you couldnt even tell me why you got so upset that i didnt want to sleep with you & that i was in love with someone else
slimzworld (10:38:49 PM): go fuck your bf and spend the rest of your life with him.
slimzworld is away at 10:39:10 PM.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:39:12 PM): at least i have someone that wants to spend the rest of their life with me.

Auto response from slimzworld (10:39:12 PM): drinkin.

slimzworld (10:39:35 PM): thanks for throwin that in my face that you dont give a damn bout me.
slimzworld returned at 10:39:35 PM.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:39:44 PM): you dont care about me!
slimzworld (10:39:54 PM): wtf?
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:40:00 PM): i spent over 2 hours and the last i dont know how many years trying to convince you i cared about you
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:40:02 PM): and you never accepted it
slimzworld (10:40:04 PM): you have no idea or right to say what i car about
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:40:13 PM): well youve never told me you cared about me
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:40:15 PM): so i assume you dont.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:40:28 PM): ive told you time & time again that i care about you, but you just dont want to believe it.
slimzworld (10:40:33 PM): WHAT THE FUCK DID I TELL YOU LAST NIGHT.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:40:47 PM): you told me to drive 8 hours to go "be with" you.
slimzworld (10:40:48 PM): leave me the hell alone.
slimzworld (10:40:51 PM): i dont wnt to talk to you
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:40:53 PM): you never said ANYTHING about caring about me.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:41:51 PM): all you do is fuck with my head and break my heart. you are the only person thats ever hurt me so badly i hurt myself, and yet IM the bad guy? im the one who's doing everything wrong?
slimzworld (10:42:04 PM): omg. youre the one who said you didnt care
slimzworld (10:42:07 PM): who 'has someone'
slimzworld (10:42:10 PM): who fucked with me
slimzworld (10:42:15 PM): and fuckin hurt the shit outta me
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:42:20 PM): and you havent done the same to me?
slimzworld (10:42:21 PM): so go fuck yourself na dleave me the hell alone.
slimzworld (10:42:24 PM): you care less about me.
slimzworld (10:42:35 PM): u never even did care probably.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:42:37 PM): i dont WANT to care anymore because i spent hours last night and the night before crying over what happened.
slimzworld (10:42:45 PM): this wh9ole thing was probably just some sick fuckin joke on your part
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:42:48 PM): and i cant handle it anymore, jon.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:43:01 PM): no, it wasnt. when i started talking to you tonight, i wanted to try and patch things up, not have you ignore me.
slimzworld (10:43:13 PM): i wasnt ignoring you
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:43:20 PM): you hadnt responded for a good chunk of time.
slimzworld (10:43:21 PM): i was taking a shit for your information
slimzworld (10:43:21 PM): shit
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:43:35 PM): you really have no idea what youve done to me, do you?
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:43:38 PM): i KNOW ive hurt you, and im sorry.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:43:43 PM): i know theres nothing i can do to change that.
slimzworld (10:43:51 PM): damn i ate chili cheese fries and a burger earlier, and carne asada, fuck. sorry that i had a massave load of shit to let loose.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:43:57 PM): but that doesnt mean i dont care about you, and i dont want you to be a part of my life.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:44:11 PM): but obviously, i dont mean enough to you to be in your life. which isnt a surprise, because it happens all the time.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:44:38 PM): so since this is what you want, im going to let go. i cant keep crying over how much it hurt when you told me you hated me. my mind and my heart just cant handle it anymore.
slimzworld (10:44:42 PM): no its kinda hard having someone in your life you just want as more
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:44:54 PM): you NEVER told me you wanted "more" with me
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:44:57 PM): youve only told me that once
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:45:04 PM): and that was right before we started dating.
slimzworld (10:45:15 PM): u never even cared.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:45:18 PM): yes, i did.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:45:28 PM): why do you think i'd IM you and try to talk to you?
slimzworld (10:45:32 PM): y are u even talking to me ?
slimzworld (10:45:35 PM): you have a fianc
slimzworld (10:45:36 PM): e
slimzworld (10:45:44 PM): stop fuckin with me.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:45:55 PM): why do you think i sat there calling you in the middle of the night when my mom would've killed me for being on the phone at 3am?
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:45:59 PM): IM NOT FUCKING WITH YOU.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:46:03 PM): i want you to try and be my friend.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:46:10 PM): but if i mean that little to you, then i guess i dont have a choice.
slimzworld (10:46:26 PM): dont think hed like that much]]
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:46:41 PM): what? being friends with you?
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:47:04 PM): i told him about the whole thing, and he has no problem with me being friends with you. the only thing that bothered him was the fact that i was crying so hard i couldnt breathe, and i made myself sick.
slimzworld (10:47:48 PM): i have nothin left to say to you. i said what i did, and it meant nothing.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:48:23 PM): jon, i do love you, with all my heart. i want you to be a part of my life. just because im romantically attached to someone else shouldnt mean that we cant be friends.
slimzworld (10:48:30 PM): now if u dont mind, im going to drink myself drunk and pass out and actually try and feel okay.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:48:34 PM): i dont understand why it doesnt even matter to you that im trying this hard.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:48:54 PM): you dont realize what youre doing to me, do you?
slimzworld (10:49:16 PM): you dont realize what your doing to me
slimzworld (10:49:19 PM): you dont give a fuck
slimzworld (10:49:30 PM): go be iwth him, you dont need me
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:49:32 PM): jon, YES I DO.
slimzworld is away at 10:49:35 PM.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:49:38 PM): jon......

Auto response from slimzworld (10:49:39 PM): one tequila
two tequila
tree tequila

floor.

xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:49:42 PM): FUCK.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:49:44 PM): fine, forget it.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:50:10 PM): if it makes you feel any better, the night we fought, on monday night, i cried all night.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:50:15 PM): so dont tell me i dont know how youre feeling.
slimzworld (10:50:28 PM): then come be with me.
slimzworld returned at 10:50:28 PM.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:50:55 PM): *sigh*
slimzworld (10:51:13 PM): exactly
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:51:20 PM): jon, my heart belongs to someone else. i wish i coudl get you to understand that you mean so much to me.
slimzworld (10:51:31 PM): OKAY the stop leading me on
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:51:33 PM): youre STILL the only person thats ever hurt me so badly that ive hurt myself over it.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:51:38 PM): IM NOT LEADING YOU ON!
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:51:50 PM): you are.. well, were, i guess... one of my best friends, and you mean the world to me.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:51:56 PM): but you dont want to believe that i care about you.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:52:56 PM): grrr this shit just isnt worth dealing with. im sick of relationships, im sick of friends, im sick of love. i should've killed myself when i had the chance.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:53:04 PM): nevermind, jon. if you dont want to be my friend, then fine.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:53:10 PM): if it'll make you happy, then ill leave you alone.
slimzworld (10:53:30 PM): xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:53:10 PM): nevermind, jon. if you dont want to be my friend, then fine.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:53:16 PM): if it'll make you happy, then ill leave you alone.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:53:49 PM): what do you want me to be then?!
slimzworld (10:54:04 PM): nothing. goodbye.
slimzworld (10:54:13 PM): nothing you will give me.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:54:28 PM): jon just tell me.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:54:36 PM): i dont.... i dont know what to do anymore..
slimzworld (10:54:38 PM): i did.
slimzworld (10:54:41 PM): and it meant nothing
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:55:01 PM): you want me to be with you? you want me to be in a relationship with you? right?
slimzworld (10:55:10 PM): ..
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:55:24 PM): how come you never asked before then?
slimzworld (10:55:35 PM): ...
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:56:03 PM): if you had asked me 4 months ago to be with you... i would have jumped at the chance, jon.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:56:28 PM): i loved you from the day i met you, and i finally got over it. and now you dont even want to be a part of my life. and i dont know if i can handle that.
slimzworld (10:56:38 PM): but its not 4 months ago.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:57:00 PM): i know. but you had years to tell me you wanted to be with me.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (10:57:10 PM): and i dont understand why its coming up now, and it didnt before...
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (11:00:04 PM): i dont understand why you want to be with me now, when you didnt before... i just dont know whats going through your head.. i never have.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (11:01:39 PM): :-xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (11:01:41 PM): i truly am sorry jon.
slimzworld (11:02:09 PM): ighjblbjkn;
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (11:02:17 PM): ill be hating myself for this for the rest of my life.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (11:07:18 PM): im sorry jon.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (11:11:25 PM): *sigh* forget it. youre not even paying attention to a word im saying.

2004-03-02T01:33:00.000-08:00

wow, its been a month since ive written. so many things have happened since then. sheeshkers.. so uhm, chris & i had a great valentines day - i wont put all the details because its long, and im sure almost everyone has heard the story by now. lol... and a LOT of shit happened this past saturday.. =/ it was horrible. its 1:08 am as im typing this, and im getting up @ 5am to make sure chris has his sorry ass up. =P sheesh.. its been a crazy month.

i had a take-home quiz due today from over the weekend. when did jenn do it? this morning, at 8am, during his first class. the class that the quiz was for is my second class, which starts at 9:10 am. lol =P and on friday i have an essay exam in my fables & tales class, & i have my physics hw #4 due, and i have a reading response due for my american indian studies class.. and i have a couple hundred pages of reading to do, on top of practicing and preparing for my exam on friday (and thats just for my fables class!). i have lots of reading to do for my AIS class, but its pretty interesting stuff. and i think my first physics exam is next week sometime, but he hasnt told us yet, so i dunno. whatever goat cheese. =P

today was a horrid day. i just felt icky all day. i was totally stressed out during my physics lab today too, because i kept fucking up on the excel part, and since i was doing it for the whole group, it was a little nerve-wracking. but i finally got it right, so that was good. and then, after the long day, tonight was going pretty well.. chris & i had a nice, normal conversation, we were being happy.. he wrote me a sappy email today... lol and he went to bed around 11pm, and ive been up ever since.

and jon and i had been talking since a little before midnight... and that turned sour very quickly. =/ im sad to say that i love the boy to death, he's always been one of the most important people to me, and now he probably hates me. i wish he didnt. im going to paste the conversation into this journal entry in a few minutes.. i guess it's going to be more of a reminder for me about a time when i lost a good friend of mine. i just got so confused with him sometimes. ive known him since i was, what? 13? 14? and since then we've tried dating, & it just didnt work.. and i was completely in love with the boy for a really long time, but everytime i tried to talk to him about that sort of thing, we ended up fighting, or he just "didnt feel like that" (at least thats the impression he gave)... and it just started to hurt so badly that making myself bleed wasnt helping anymore. i couldnt take losing not only the only guy i loved AND trusted, but also one of my closest friends. so when the bleeding stopped helping me feel better, i started moving on. i started to force myself to not think about him, to let myself fall for other people, and i eventually convinced myself that we were better off as friends and i learned to accept the fact that an "us" thing between jon & i would never really work out. and now this happens... im absolutely in love with chris; we're happy.. yet jon & i have this conversation/argument tonight, and now he hates me. i really do love jon, i always will. and it breaks my heart to know that ive hurt him. i never meant to hurt him. i dont understand how i hurt him so badly though. i dont understand if that was his way of telling me he had feelings for me, or he wanted to be in a relationship with me, or what.. it just didnt make any sense. i just never wanted to hurt him. he really does mean the world to me; he's been one of the only people thats stuck by my side, even after all the horrible things ive said (and done) to him. and now he hates me. =/ *sigh* sometimes i wish i could turn back the clock and start over from where it really started going bad. it started getting shaky when he broke up with me for personal reasons - he needed to get his own life and shit together, and i understood that.. but it got really bad when i started dating keanan and he decided he was ready to come back to me at the same time... =/ i really am sorry for the things i said to him that hurt him. i never meant to hurt him. i just... i mean, even though i dont necessarily feel the same way now, all i ever wanted from jon was for him to love me. and i feel, now, like he either never did, or he always did, and just didnt want to tell me. im confused. the only thing i can say right now is that im sorry. and that no matter what jon thinks, i really do care about him... ive just finally decided to give my heart to someone else..

xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:11:37 AM): i dunno.. i get your ex's mixed up
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:11:43 AM): the only one i remember well is me. lol
slimzworld (12:12:18 AM): your the only one who doesnt wanna be with me
slimzworld (12:12:22 AM): and doesnt wanna have sex with me.
slimzworld (12:12:23 AM): sucks.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:12:49 AM): well i accepted the fact that you didnt want me a long time ago
slimzworld (12:12:52 AM): really wanna be inside you too. so that sucks even more.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:13:07 AM): hell i would've had sex with you up until the day i got with my fiance
slimzworld (12:13:44 AM): whats he gotta do with us.
slimzworld (12:13:46 AM): sheit
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:14:12 AM): you mean besides the fact that i dont wanna cheat on him &/or hurt him?
slimzworld (12:14:46 AM): eh, no not that.
slimzworld (12:14:48 AM): that means shit.
slimzworld (12:15:02 AM): because either way, i know if i saw you and you saw me, you'd let me fuck you.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:15:24 AM): i doubt it
slimzworld (12:15:37 AM): naw, you know it. you just wanna doubt it, because you know deep inside its true.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:15:52 AM): honestly, it took me a really, really long time to get over you, but i finally did it..
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:16:13 AM): i love you to death, but i got to the point where i know nothing's gonna happen between us, & im fine with it, because i think we've always been better off as friends
slimzworld (12:17:37 AM): thats fucked up.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:18:19 AM): jon, i was crazy about you for i dont know how many years
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:18:35 AM): i just didnt want to be waiting for something that wasnt going to happen, so i just moved on
slimzworld (12:18:35 AM): then why you gonna treat me like this and just throw that all away>
slimzworld (12:18:40 AM): make me feel like i always been nothin
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:18:50 AM): jon, you were everything to me for a long time
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:19:07 AM): but then we started fighting all the time, you started dating different people, & i kind of felt left in the dust..
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:21:14 AM): so i wanted to keep the relationship @ being friends, so i wouldnt lose you from my life completely, & i started moving on
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:21:20 AM): and im pretty sure youve moved on too
slimzworld (12:22:01 AM): k...
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:22:19 AM): ...what does that mean?
slimzworld (12:22:38 AM): i dont fuckin know, you just hella hurt me right now and really dont wnana talk to you.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:22:59 AM): :-\ im sorry jon.. i didnt mean to do that.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:23:33 AM): i love you more than anything, & you honestly are one of the most important people to me.. it just hurt too much to wait for you when i thought nothing was going to happen between us again
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:24:00 AM): i want to know, honestly, do you really think we could have ever worked it out?
slimzworld (12:24:16 AM): yeah...
slimzworld (12:24:18 AM): definately.
slimzworld (12:24:19 AM): well not now
slimzworld (12:24:26 AM): obviously i mean alot less to you than i thought.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:26:11 AM): jon, you really dont. you still mean the world to me.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:26:39 AM): i mean, geez, the other night when the boytoy and i got into a fight, i sat there with the elephant that matches the one i sent you a long time ago until i fell asleep
slimzworld (12:27:03 AM): you dont even care.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:27:19 AM): jon, yes i do..
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:27:23 AM): i just dont know what you want to hear from me.
slimzworld (12:28:35 AM): you said enough
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:28:45 AM): *sigh*
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:28:48 AM): i really am sorry jon.
slimzworld (12:29:00 AM): dont be, im sorry i ever thought you were different.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:29:10 AM): whats that supposed to mean?
slimzworld (12:29:20 AM): nothin
slimzworld (12:29:22 AM): just fuck it
slimzworld (12:29:25 AM): you already proved me wrong
slimzworld (12:29:27 AM): bye.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:29:29 AM): jon please dont do this
slimzworld is away at 12:29:37 AM.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:29:53 AM): *sigh*

Auto response from slimzworld (12:29:53 AM): fuck it.

xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:30:04 AM): im sorry i ever came into your life, jon.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:30:11 AM): i know ive just been nothing but a fucking problem for you.
slimzworld (12:32:11 AM): look im sorry.
slimzworld returned at 12:32:11 AM.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:32:27 AM): i just dont want you to hate me.
slimzworld (12:32:39 AM): kinda late....
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:32:46 AM): i feel like ever since we broke up thats the only thing youve ever felt towards me. thats why i tried to move on, jon.. i really thought you hated me.
slimzworld (12:33:33 AM): what does it matter how i feel
slimzworld (12:33:39 AM): you have someone else who you wanna be with
slimzworld (12:33:40 AM): im nothing
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:33:54 AM): jon, you arent nothing.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:34:16 AM): ive always thought of you as one of the only people i could trust. youve always been one of the most important people in my life.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:34:48 AM): besides, jon, i never even thought that youd ever want to be with me after what happened between us. it didnt seem like it mattered to you anymore...
slimzworld (12:38:21 AM): u dont even care.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:38:43 AM): jon, yes i do.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:38:54 AM): i dont know how many times i can say it, but i truly do.
slimzworld (12:38:54 AM): you haev your car yet ?
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:39:00 AM): you have no idea how much i care about you
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:39:01 AM): yes...
slimzworld (12:39:05 AM): then drive down here.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:39:13 AM): jon, i cant just leave.
slimzworld (12:39:17 AM): yes you can.
slimzworld (12:39:21 AM): just drive down here.
slimzworld (12:39:30 AM): if you mean/meant anything you say, you would.
slimzworld (12:39:44 AM): its an 8 hr drive. you could make it.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:40:43 AM): i know i could.. but explaining that to my mother? and just leaving? what would happen once i got down there? we'd probably just be arguing again...... :-slimzworld (12:41:06 AM): if you cared, why would we.
slimzworld (12:41:12 AM): you could tell her your going to a friends
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:41:46 AM): jon, i DO care, and look at us... we're arguing now. you just told me a few minutes ago that you hated me.
slimzworld (12:42:00 AM): because your hurting me
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:42:32 AM): you think this doesnt hurt me?.......
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:43:11 AM): i genuinely dont understand how im hurting you... i mean, i can understand how some of the things i said can hurt... but what's making it hurt so much? i was under the impression that i didnt mean very much to you anymore...
slimzworld (12:43:47 AM): nhji;bgoulvhyy;i
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:44:08 AM): ......what?
slimzworld (12:44:12 AM): ucdtgio;bjkhjkhjklnhkl;j'
slimzworld (12:44:31 AM): uuijuuimhju8 068 0 87 0 8/
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:44:34 AM): :-slimzworld (12:44:42 AM): fvkjgghjkkhkhjkl;hjkhhjgvk
slimzworld (12:44:46 AM): this sucks.
slimzworld (12:44:50 AM): i hate my life.
slimzworld (12:44:59 AM): you said youd do anything for me
slimzworld (12:45:03 AM): you said youd always be there.
slimzworld (12:45:08 AM): and now, you wont even come be with me.
slimzworld (12:45:36 AM): dklgjas'lgjasldgkasl;g
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:45:40 AM): jon, i would do anything, and im always going to be here.. but you cant ask me to leave in the middle of the night and come be with you...
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:45:50 AM): and what do you mean by "come be with me"?
slimzworld (12:45:54 AM): leave in the morning.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:47:28 AM): i cant, jon..
slimzworld (12:47:52 AM): then i guess nothing sure ends short.
slimzworld (12:47:59 AM): anything*
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:49:09 AM): jon.. i cant just leave my parents and my friends and my fiance.. i would love to be there for you every second of every day.. but i dont understand what you want from me, nor what you mean by "come be with me"..
slimzworld (12:49:56 AM): i guess im nothing.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:50:12 AM): jon, you mean so much to me.. you dont understand..
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:50:20 AM): i just.. jon, i really dont understand what you want from me.
slimzworld (12:52:54 AM): just fuck it.
slimzworld (12:52:57 AM): fuck everything
slimzworld (12:53:02 AM): forget i ever existed.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:53:08 AM): jon please dont do this
slimzworld (12:53:26 AM): no. it needs to be done.
slimzworld (12:53:31 AM): its what you want.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:53:33 AM): jon, the last thing i want is for you to just drop out of my life.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:54:18 AM): i just wish i could make you understand that i cant leave... and i wish you could see that you really do mean the world to me. youre one of my closest friends...
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:54:32 AM): well... if you stick with your decision, i guess that would change to you were..
slimzworld (12:55:21 AM): (12:54:46 AM): Your dick is too big too
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:55:40 AM): .......what?
slimzworld (12:56:14 AM): they were talking about me
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:57:25 AM): oh..
slimzworld (12:57:45 AM): this sucks.
slimzworld (12:57:49 AM): thought youd atleast come down here
slimzworld (12:57:55 AM): we could go to the cornado beach
slimzworld (12:58:02 AM): and just walk and talk
slimzworld (12:58:08 AM): hold eachother to keep warm
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (12:58:47 AM): :-xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (1:00:11 AM): im sorry jon. i really am.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (1:02:38 AM): jon......?
slimzworld (1:02:58 AM): what.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (1:03:17 AM): whats on your mind?
slimzworld (1:03:36 AM): nohin
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (1:04:38 AM): blah. i hate it when you get pissed off at me...
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (1:06:41 AM): ..........how come youre not talking to me..?
slimzworld (1:07:00 AM): what do ou want me to say.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (1:07:23 AM): what youre thinking about, how youre feeling.. i want to know why this came up all of a sudden.
slimzworld (1:08:22 AM): just fuck it.
slimzworld (1:08:24 AM): forget it.
slimzworld (1:08:25 AM): forget me.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (1:08:37 AM): i dont want to jon.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (1:09:23 AM): you confuse me... its been like this since ive known you.. i sit there & wait & you find someone new, then i move on, & we fight over something like this.. i never knew when you had feeligns for me & when you didnt.. & now that ive moved on.. i still dont know what youre feeling.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (1:11:45 AM): jon.... please just tell me what youre feeling/thinking.
slimzworld (1:12:31 AM): dont wanna tal anymore
slimzworld (1:12:33 AM): going tosleep
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (1:12:41 AM): please jon....
slimzworld (1:12:50 AM): sorry i ever even bothered you. have a good marraige or whatever the fuck you want thats so much better tahn me.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (1:12:57 AM): jon!
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (1:12:59 AM): its not that.
slimzworld is away at 1:13:02 AM.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (1:13:11 AM): jon, i told you. i thought you hated me. i thought you wanted nothing to do with me.

Auto response from slimzworld (1:13:11 AM): sleep.

xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (1:13:35 AM): i got over the time when you used to tell me you loved me. i didnt know what to do, so i just moved on, like you did. or like i thought you did.

Auto response from slimzworld (1:13:35 AM): drink some beers, and pass out.

xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (1:13:39 AM): :-xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (1:13:44 AM): ....im sorry jon. :'(
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (1:15:40 AM): i know, i know. i need to just shut up. im sorry i cant ever do anything right to you.

Auto response from slimzworld (1:15:40 AM): drink some beers, and pass out.

xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (1:15:51 AM): good night, jon.

i hope jon actually read this.

2004-02-01T21:01:00.000-08:00

so, its superbowl sunday.... AND THE FLIPPIN PATRIOTS WON!! poor kitties =*( it makes me sad when kitties lose.. like in that damned movie "cats and dogs"!!! raahhhh! so.. uhhmm.. lets see how my week has been.

last week was my first week of school. my classes seem kool.. most of my professors are gonna be fun. my prof for my american indian studies class is really awesome, very into what shes talking about since shes native american herself, & she looks like a tall version of ms klatt! (for all you logan grads.. lol) my philosophy prof is kinda.. uhhmm... BORING. lol i mean, he has somewhat of a sense of humor, but hes old and talks kinda slow and makes.. i dunno. he kinda talks to us like we're stupid, almost. but yeh. my physics lecture prof is AWESOME! i totally love him, simply because hes just a nice guy. his name's ilkka (yes, thats his first name. he wants us to call him that.), hes pretty young too, maybe in his early 30's. hes kool. pretty funny, too! and then my prof for my fables & tales class... JESUS CHRIST! she was using the laptop to show us stuff with the projector and she kept RIGHT-CLICKING everything and it was driving me insane and i wanted to kick her!!!! lol.. but shes a nice woman, and its really obvious that she really enjoys fairy tales and all those things.. and so do i, so its going to be an awesome class. the first book we're reading.. well i should say the first collection of stories we're reading is the lais of marie de france.. and yeh. AWESOME! i love those stories!! they so totally rock. =) hehehe.. and yeh.. uhhm, my first time in my physics lab is tomorrow.. for THREE FREAKIN HOURS!!! i dont get outta class tomorrow until like 4.. =/ oh well.

so friday went well.. i went out and visited chris, as i always do on friday evenings.. =) we had a good time. *wink wink nudge nudge* lol no seriously, it was just a good night. i love spending time with him.. and then saturday he came out & my dad, tracy, chris & i went out to see "along came polly" and hang out and stuff.. that movie was AWESOME. lol that poor ferret!!!! =( and yeh.. today chris came out to visit me & go to my dad's superbowl thingy that he had.. and GINA MADE HER CHICKEN!!! *num num num num* teehee!

bad things happened. i dont wanna mention them because they really upset me. it has nothing to do with chris or anything though. it has to do with andy. =/ i miss the kid, & i hope he starts feeling a little better. i love you kiddo! *smooches*

2004-01-29T20:02:00.000-08:00

so, yesterday was chris & i's two months... =D i honestly havent felt this good in a really long time.. its nice to know that someone loves me no matter what. lol the e-card i sent him had this cute little crab sitting in the middle all grumpy & stuff.. & then from the right side of the screen this happy little one comes & scurries over to the grumpy one.. & sits next to it.. & a little heart floats up and the grumpy one is happy.. and then it says "thanks for loving me even when im crabby" on the bottom.. totally me & him, i swear. it was hella cute. lol =P so yeh.. im happy. its nice. i enjoy it. yeh, we were having a few problems a little bit ago, but we talked them out and they're fixing themselves.. its good. i think this is probably the healthiest relationship ive ever been in. sad, isnt it? lol i have no idea what im gonna do when he goes away for his externship (he should stay @ the academy *crosses her fingers*)... last night he asked me to bring one of my silver chains with me to his place when i went over tomorrow.. he said he was going to give me something that would make me think of him all the time.. and now im scared. lol he wont tell me what it is..

so today was a good day, for the most part. jo spent the night with me last night & we got up this morning & i got my books from UPS FINALLYYYYY, and then we went out to stoneridge to shop. i finished up chris' valentines gift after much fuss and hassle and hunting.. and OH do i love it. lol =D i think he'll like it do... man, its gonna be a good valentines day for once, i think. last year was the only one ive ever enjoyed, honestly. and that was cuz jo was awesome. =D lol shes a fun valentine, but im spending this one with m'love (sorry jo.. lol).. okay, im off.

love you all!

2004-01-28T17:17:00.000-08:00

4.761904761904762% of me is a huge nerd! How about you?

I AM NOT A NERD!!! WOOOO!!! I HAD NOOOO IDEA WHAT HALF OF THE QUESTIONS WERE TALKING ABOUT. SERIOUSLY. I FELT LIKE A LOSER. but then i realized, hey, its worse to know all the answers. lol =P

Nemesis

?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

RAHHHH!!! feel the jenninators WRATH!!! lol

2004-01-15T22:42:00.000-08:00

'Sadistic Bastard' PLEASE VOTE!!!

What Type of Lunatic are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

My inner child is six years old!

Look what I can do! I can walk, I can run, I can
read! I like to do stuff, and there's a whole
big world out there to do it in. Just so long
as I can take my blankie and my Mommy and my
three best friends with me, of course.

How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla

You, my friend are a true individual. You most
likely hate trends and are creative. By seeing
things differently, people either admire you or
think you are a bit strange. I'm guessing you
are a lot like me. An inspiration to us all,
continue being you!

A Deeper Look Inside Yourself (with pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

2004-01-13T21:32:00.000-08:00

imuna sit here and be bored. lol

2004-01-11T17:18:00.000-08:00

What do people really think about you? by Raven319
Name
Age
favorite song
Parents think	You're lazy
Strangers think	You're gay
Friends think	You talk too much

Created with quill18's MemeGen!

Your future occupation by meteoric
Your name
Your future occupation	Pizza Delivery Person
Yearly income	$801,465
Hours per week you work	78
Education	Over 6 years of college

Created with quill18's MemeGen!

2004-01-11T17:16:00.000-08:00

Tell Me About Your Sex Life? by electronicoffee
Username
Sexuality
Favorite Postion	you like to be ridden
Secret Fetish	food/sweets [on your body]
Age of Lost Virginity	23
Bedroom Talent	you can be very agressive

Created with quill18's MemeGen!

What Are You Most Likely to Utter During Sex by UMAJohnnie
Name
Sexuality
Age
Most Likely to Say	"Oh my god, that's your back hair, I thought you were being mauled by a cat."

Created with quill18's MemeGen!

Who were you in a past life? by Kat007
Name:
Birthdate:
Favorite Color:
Country:
You were most probably:	Cleopatra
If not then you were:	Julius Ceasar

Created with quill18's MemeGen!

Most Likely Male Celeb To Bang ::Edited:: by lifeoflindz
Your Name
Age
Virgin?
Your Man	You slut! You'll have Orlando and Justin!
Where?	Hood of a car
You say	DON'T STOP!

Created with quill18's MemeGen!

Why would I die in a horror movie? by toxicninja
Name
Age
Gender
Killed by	head crushed
Killed because	you were an asshole

Created with quill18's MemeGen!

Your Love Situation by Amberishjewel
Username?
Your Love Is...	Rough
During Lovemaking You Act...	Like a cat, longing to be pet
Your Partner Is...	Your soulmate
Your Partner Has Said That You...	Are their best friend
Your Love is Summed Up In A Quote.	"Play is not for kids alone"

Created with quill18's MemeGen!

2004-01-07T19:48:00.000-08:00

jebus christ its been exactly a month since ive updated this thing.. lots of crazy things have gone on since i last talked. lol.. i had a really great christmas; got to spend time with family & friends & got some fun gifts. =D lol uhhhmm... chris left on the.. damn what day did he leave? OH! the 20th. yes, the 20th of december. for TEXAS. =/ he's coming back this sunday, on the 11th. im excited. =) i havent seen him in a long time. the bastard! lol. so yeh, our 1 month was on the 28th... weird to think its already been over a month. madness! but yes, its been going pretty well.

i just got back from new york today! woohoo! went & visited my sister. =) i had a lotta fun.. THERE WAS NO SNOW!!!! raahhhh that angers the jenninator! >=/ thats okay though, i still had a good time. got some cute clothes at H & M (brown cord pants & a REALLY pretty thin knit beige sweater.. with a matching cami to go under it. lol).. & i also bought myself pretty photographs of central park. & i got my friends & parents & chris something. =) i still havent finished chris' gift!! im totally wiggin out... =*( ill have it finished! I HAVE TO! =(

okay im gonna go. love you all. be back later, maybe!

2003-12-07T17:27:00.000-08:00

FUCK I LOST MY WHOLE ENTRY!!!!! im annoyed.. lol okay im over it. so chris & i are together. things are going really well. hes totally a sweet guy, & he's a lotta fun. he understands what it means to listen and "talk things out"... which is really nice. its a nice change from all the cold hearted, asshole boyfriends ive had over the last couple years. & i mean, it kinda scares me in a "good" way because there are a lot of signs telling me this is the "right" thing (yes, i do believe that there are signs everywhere and things happen for a reason, and that you can find the signs if youre in tune with yourself & your surroundings), & also because ive never fallen for someone like this, this quickly.. he just makes me feel stable and sane, and like im worth something. he really... i dont know. i think hes good for me. he listens to me, he makes sure i take my medication, he didnt freak when i told him everything i had ever felt and been through, he listens when i cry, we talk about everything and we work things out without yelling and screaming.. we talk calmly if there's something going on, and he's obsessed with good communication in our relationship. i love it.

so back to my "signs" thing... so the one that pops up most often is the traffic thing. like, the traffic is normally very clear & smooth sailing when im going out to see him.. & even when it gets backed up, i always end up @ his place when im supposed to be there. its craziness. and to compare it, when i was with nick, EVERY TIME i drove down to san jose to see him, it was TOTALLY backed up, and it took about 30-40 minutes longer than it should have to get there. the next one is the whole 11:11 wish thing. yenno, that superstition that if you make a wish at exactly 11:11 its supposed to come true. well wednesday when i was visiting him, i was sitting in his dorm room doing hw & i looked @ my cell phone & saw that it was 11:11 & i wished to myself "i wish he'd come back soon" & about 10 minutes later, he came back.. it was really eerie.. & i made another wish a few nights later @ 11:11 and i wished that he & i would be happy together.. & things have been awesome. & the one that really weirded me out was the one about his cell phone... the other day he told me that his ring tone for me was "under the sea" (from the movie "the little mermaid").. & i was like "hey! the little mermaid is my favorite disney movie!" & he was like "really?"... it was insane, cuz i KNOW i hadnt told him what my favorite disney movie was before that.. and one thing also that seemed like a "sign" was today.. well to explain, chris met my dad, gina, chrissy, andy, my uncle dan, and sue, tom, mike, danny, todd, and brian last night because we went out for gina's birthday @ buca di beppo for dinner.. & my uncle dan was being dirty, as usual. lol but it seemed like everyone really liked him. & today, i was going to ask my dad what he thought of him, but i didnt even have to. he walked in & was like "so, chris is a nice guy." without me saying a damned word.. the fact that my dad approached me about it says something. =) im happy.

i love you all. hehe! =) (especially you, chris. *muah*)

2003-11-26T23:15:00.000-08:00

so.. i havent written in a few days, and my last entry was really short. lol.. so things are okay with the meds. i had an interesting conversation with johnjohn last night, about how i hate the way i look & feel & how no one's ever going to love the girl that no one else wants.. & it was just horrible. i was crying my eyes out & i felt like shit & blah.. it was weird though because ive felt like that for years, & i guess it just comes out in weird little bursts like that. so thanks to johnjohn for listening to me cry & whine & bitch. & yeh... so im still feeling like that, as always, but oh well, you know?

so uhm.. last night i started talking to this guy named chris online, right? and we talked on the phone & stuff.. he just turned 20, hes living in san francisco going to the culinary academy, originally from texas.. uhhmm.. yeh.. i mean, hes a kool guy.. but its a little odd too. because ive only known him for a couple days.. & he also comes on a little strong.. i mean, not so strong that im being freaked out by it, but its a little more strong that im accustomed to, i guess.. & then he like, i dunno how to explain it.. he lives in the dorms for cca, right? and it seems like, over these past 2 nights (im talking to him right now), he kind of has the "typical" college kid thing going.. i dunno. he has people walking in & out of his place & whatnot, & i constantly hear girls' voices in the background (& one of them has an obnoxious laugh.. wow. lol), & its just weird.. he's gotten really distracted on the phone when we were talking, & im the type of person who wants the attention if im on the phone, yenno? unless im in my weird mood where i dont care.. but still. and he smokes. and that bugs me. and he.. well, he's been with.. i think it was 12 girls since the age of 17. thats a little nerve wracking. but oh well... it was weird too because he asked me something that had to do with me liking him or something.. & it just.. i dunno. i mean, hes cute, funny, talented.. but im not ready to get fucked with, you know? i dont wanna be hurt again. or anymore. i cant handle it. but whatever. until things really "happen," ill just keep my head on straight. dont wanna think about it tonight.

shiiiiittt... my sisters home! yayyy!! lol.. we watched "finding nemo" tonight (cuz shes never seen it) and yeh.. good times, kids. tomorrow's the big gobble-day.. & we've been baking pies with my mom all day long after running errands.. so yeh.. uhhmm.. im tired. i took my depakote, and i think its starting to kick in. so im probably going to go now. nite everyone

2003-11-24T20:55:00.000-08:00

so.. uhhmm... lots of things have been going on, i guess. uhhmm.. i dunno where to start! lol lemme make an organized sort of thing for it:

MEDICATION/SHRINKAGE : no, my penis is NOT shrinking. lol.. i meant shrinkage as in my SHRINKS, you buttheads. so yes.. i saw my 2 new shrinks recently. dr. lung is my talk-therapy shrink.. shes really nice, actually. short little asian woman. lol.. but yeh, so we talked.. shes kool. so yeh.. my other shrink is weird. lol his name is dr. manitsas, & hes my medication shrink. so i talked to him, told him literally EXACTLY how ive been feeling, how it was in the past, how its changed &/or stayed the same over the years.. but this time, i actually told him (as opposed to not telling any of my doctors beforehand) about the anger.. how angry i get @ everyone & everything & how sometimes im scared that im going to flip out & start screaming & yelling & fly into a rage, like i did before.. so yes.. i told him how it seems to be something like borderline personality disorder, & he was telling me how he thinks its bipolar II disorder, with borderline stemming from it. so we have me on depakote now.. its okay.. it smells like vanilla milkshakes & tastes almost as good as it smells. =)

LOVE SUCKS BALLS! lol..... this time of year always makes me feel poopy. =P

2003-11-23T21:52:00.000-08:00

"yule shoot your eye out" - fall out boy
these are your good years..
dont take my advice
you never wanted the nice boys anyway..
and im of good cheer
cuz im checking my list
the gifts youre receiving from me will be:
1 awkward silence
2 hopes you cry yourself to sleep
staying up, waiting by the phone..
all i want this year's
for you to dedicate your last breath to me
before you bury yourself alive..
dont come home for christmas..
youre the last thing i wanna see
underneath the tree..
merry christmas, i could care less..
happy new year's baby
you owe me the best gift i will ever ask for
dont call me up when the snow comes down
its the only thing i want this year..
1 awkward silence
2 hopes you cry yourself to sleep
staying up, waiting by the phone..
all i want this year's
for you to dedicate your last breath to me
before you bury yourself alive..
dont come home for christmas..
youre the last thing i wanna see
underneath the tree..
merry christmas, i could care less..
dont come home for christmas..
youre the last thing i wanna see
underneath the tree..
merry christmas, i could care less..
dont come home for christmas..
youre the last thing i wanna see
underneath the tree..
merry christmas, i could care less..

2003-11-18T18:01:00.000-08:00

You Are A Screaming Orgasm

An unexpected bonus for just about every guy on the planet.

He’s plowing you and you’re yelling for more.

Talk dirty, talk cheap, scream his name, scream complete gibberish. No matter.

You are the Mariah Carey of the bedroom and he loves every fucking syllable that spews from your luscious mouth.

Maybe you’re the "Mary the Librarian" type by day.

But by night, honey, watch out.

The vocal chords let loose with everything your heart and mind have been thinking about all day long.

What Cocktail Are You?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

You Are Lacey Panties!

Traditional, romantic, and pretty.

With a naughty girl lurking inside.

What's Kind of Panties Are *You*?

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2003-11-18T17:54:00.000-08:00

Your Freaky Fetish Is Asphyxiation!

Definition: having your breathing deprived

In this case for heightened orgasm

Usually done alone, but sometimes with a partner

Bottom line - you're one kinky mofo!!

What's Your Freaky Fetish?

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FUCK THAT SHIT! THATS HELLA SCARY!

You Are a Like Eyes!

Sly, mysterious, and very sexy.

You have a deep stare and lure people in with your gaze.

Anyone would be lucky to get with you.

Why? Because your big on doing things all the way...

And making sure the pleasure is distributed evenly.

And if not fifty/ fifty, your lover will get even more.

You're sweet, kind, and love to be a tease at times.

Congrats! You've got it all.

What Body Part Are You Most Like?

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You Have a Pierced Nipple!

In school, your nipple was voted most likely to be pierced.

Hmmmm, imagine that!

What Nipple Do You Have?

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You Are A Tongue Piercing

You're extremely oral (like you didn't know that!)

You love going down... on girls and guys!

You're not one to be too naughty in public -

You like to save it all for the bedroom.

What Piercing Are *You*?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

2003-11-05T20:53:00.000-08:00

xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (8:28:44 PM): i just dont see the point in acting like everything is okay anymore if your friends are a bunch of fake bastards (with the exception of a few of them), everyone you ever dated has lied to you & never really loved you, & you feel like youre never going to be anything to anyone ever again.
justemprary (8:29:36 PM): your upset, understandably so, but that doesnt mean go and fuck yourself up...hurting yourself more will just have a bad affect overall
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (8:30:20 PM): the only people it ever affects are the people around me. but if they dont care about me unless they "have time," then why should i care about them?
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (8:30:29 PM): and im not upset. im realizing the fucking truth.
justemprary (8:31:40 PM): ook dear
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (8:31:49 PM): :-xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (8:31:53 PM): im just sick of... i dont know.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (8:31:55 PM): everything.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (8:32:40 PM): im sick of my life. nothing ever changes. day in & day out, i lose the people i care most about because they fuck me over & i trust people i should; i get lied to, i feel like im just a fuck-up to my family, and my friends dont tell me things because they think im a psycho...
justemprary (8:32:58 PM): you're not
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (8:33:09 PM): then why does everyone treat me like im one?
justemprary (8:33:19 PM): its percieved
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (8:34:02 PM): people tell me they love me even though they dont because theyre scared ill flip out if i find out they dont care about me. they think that everytime something goes wrong im going to cry or hurt myself or yell @ someone & beat the hell out of them. they try to force me to take my medication because itll "help my mood"
justemprary (8:35:24 PM): fuck that force u shit
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (8:35:46 PM): im sick of feeling like i have to be little miss sunshine to get my friends to want to talk to me & hang out with me & care about me.. & im sick of feeling like i have to sleep with someone & physically pleasure them in order to get them to "love" me..
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (8:36:38 PM): people are so superficial.. heaven forbid im not a pretty girl. since im ugly, no one can love me, right? since im not stable, no one can love me, right? since i come from a broken home, ill never have a marriage that lasts, right? no one will ever love the ugly, fat, stupid, fucked up girl that everyone loves to ignore
justemprary (8:37:18 PM): you are beautiful
justemprary (8:37:23 PM): no question
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (8:38:47 PM): you have no idea what its like having someone tell you that theyd like you if you were a little skinnier
justemprary (8:39:19 PM): no your right I dont know that...but I cant help that...
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (8:39:45 PM): i know you cant, im just saying that ive learned to see myself the way other people do.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (8:40:00 PM): no one wants to be in love with a girl that isnt stick thin.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (8:40:08 PM): no one wants to be in love with a girl that isnt happy all the time.
justemprary (8:40:11 PM): dont see yourself how you are on the inside
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (8:41:08 PM): im just so tired of being the outcast because of the way i look and feel and think...
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (8:41:20 PM): i dont want to be fat & stupid & fucked up anymore.. i want to be like everyone else
justemprary (8:42:14 PM): everyones stupid and fucked up in one way or anothe
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (8:42:27 PM): not like i am
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (8:42:46 PM): one of my best friends in the world specifically told me that i was too fucked up to handle the truth..
justemprary (8:42:59 PM): fuck them
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (8:43:01 PM): i cried the last time i saw a really obese person because the only thing i could think was "im going to turn out like that"
justemprary (8:43:15 PM): no you're not if you dont want to
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (8:43:44 PM): i feel guilty after every little thing i eat... even if its something as stupid as an apple slice
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (8:43:52 PM): i feel guilty for crying because im not supposed to do it
justemprary (8:44:28 PM): babe eat all u want, cry when u wanna
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (8:45:05 PM): sure ill eat what i want & then throw it up, & cry all i want & then hurt myself for doing it
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (8:45:07 PM): i just cant take it anymore
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (8:45:10 PM): i dont know what do anymore.
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (8:45:24 PM): i dont want to die of being fat.. nor do i want to die because i couldnt take how much i hurt
justemprary (8:45:39 PM): babe ur good
justemprary (8:45:50 PM): your a nice person
justemprary (8:45:55 PM): a kind soul
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (8:46:38 PM): but that doesnt mean it matters to anyone else
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (8:46:52 PM): so you see that... what about all the other people who rip my heart apart bit by bit every day?
justemprary (8:46:59 PM): then theyre in the wrong
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (8:47:22 PM): those skinny, pretty girls who look @ me like im some fat freak, & the guys who do the same..
xWiNgEdxVaMpYrEx (8:47:35 PM): the people in my speech class who didnt want to look @ me when i talked about my prozac for show & tell..

=/ i cant take it anymore....

2003-11-04T21:24:00.000-08:00

*sigh* things just really arent getting any better.

i see my new shrink on thursday.. im going to talk to her about my medication & how its not working. & my more than likely misdiagnosis. =/

so, apparently megan's having a party for her birthday. this friday. i heard about it from jo. so what, right?? well, considering megan acts like she likes me oh so much and that shes one of my best friends, im a little annoyed that I DIDNT GET INVITED. she called jo, who NEVER shows up to coffee & rarely hangs out with us (or them, i should say), and told her about it right away, and i dont even get a notice about it? i had to find out from someone else about the party? EXCUSE ME? what the fuck kind of friend is that?? yenno, ive come to realize that none of the lameass hillians are really my friends, except for mikey. stan, obviously.. well yenno, we hate each other, so i dont care about that. but bill is just nonchalant and aloof about it all, so whatever. but trinity... he annoys the hell out of me & hurts me way too much. he doesnt give a shit about me, & im currently standing by the opinion that he really did just want to get in my pants earlier, and thats all it was. and megan... what the fuck? i mean, she was the first one i really trusted outta that group. and then she never talks to me, she doesnt give a shit about me, she acts so fake in the way she treats me. why should i care about them if they obviously dont care about me? whats the use in having friends that make you sit there & cry because youre realizing that these last few years have been nothing but lies? so screw it. if megan doesnt want me there, then fine. mikey & jo think i should go. but im not going to. why go if no one else wants me there but those two people?? and mikey isnt even going to show up until like 11.. so whats the use? and if they dont want me to be a part of their fucked up, elitist little group anymore then fine. i have better friends that actually are being productive and doing something with their lives. im so sick of being hurt by people. so im just going to be pissed off at them now. so SCREW YOU ALL, especially YOU, trinity.

FUCK i hate people. i hate everything. i hate everyone. i want to just fucking jump off a cliff and get it over with. this is the first time in a couple years where ive been so mad that ive wanted to hurt myself. its not because im sad.. the sadness has turned into so much bitter rage that im ready to fucking kill someone.

2003-10-27T20:39:00.000-08:00

an excerpt from
"cheek to cheek" - the starting line
sing this song for me..
and tell me how you'll
never leave my side..
ill meet you @ 7
i miss you already..
goodbye to you
the last goodbye ill ever say
i tried so hard
and ive done my part
and not to mention
most to all of yours..
try and feel..
try and listen..
try and think of what youre missing..
try and look into my eyes..
...try...
good bye

im really confused right now. i dont know why though. its really weird. well, lets just start with good things. erin apparently read my last journal entry, & she wrote me the sweetest email, telling me how much she loved me, & how i was more important than any class, & that if i ever needed her, she was just a bart ride away.. shes such a wonderful pathologically happy person

uhhmm.. so i dont know what im feeling lately. i feel SO fucked up emotionally & mentally (as if im not already).. i mean fucked up as in on the verge of a total breakdown, falling further & further into that icky demented antisocial pit that i hate oh-so-much. it really fucks up friendships & relationships and just makes me feel even worse. ive been trying my hardest to avoid this one, to pull myself out of it (ive even started taking my medication again even though i havent been getting any results from it for about 8 months now), and it really just isnt working. ive been doing things to keep my mood up, doing things to keep myself busy & take my mind off of things, and it just hasnt helped. everytime i think ive gotten a hold on the side wall, i feel my fingers start to slip.. "my name is a disappointment.. i only disappoint myself.." (sorry, nfg.. yes, good times.) im really torn too, with all these mixed emotions flying around. i loved ryan sooo much, & i still do, but its just so weird to be willing to love someone again after all that happened. and the whole trinity thing has really been fucking me up. and then the whole chris thing just confuses me. i dunno. not a good combo. gonna go, majorly tired, & i gotta call my icky rikki. =)

2003-10-26T20:59:00.000-08:00

so... new things to talk about.

on saturday, i went to coffee @ paddys, like normal... and ive figured out that it IS stan that makes trinity act like that towards me.. stan wasnt there that day because he had worked the night before.. so yeh, i think its stan because i didnt say anything to trinity when they got there.. & he came over & poked me & said something to me (i dont remember what it was exactly) & he was actually talking to me & everything.. *sigh* so it really is because of stan then?? =/

so uhhmm.. yeh.. talked to chris.. very odd. he apologized for all the crap he put me through & stuff, and told me that he had no idea what was going on.. & then he said something about when he comes home & yada yada yada & by that point i just didnt have the strength to hear it..

so.. i was just talking to my friend drew online.. & we were talking about sex & relationship & stuff.. & i was talking about how i consider ryan (#1, the one who died) as my "first" because the only person i had slept with before him was keanan, and i really only did that because i thought it would make keanan happy... so i told him that, & he asked me "how it was".. so i told him.. i told him that it was unbelievable because we loved each other, & i was his one & only, & there was just this connection between us that had been there even when we were just friends.. & he didnt really say anything, & i guess he got jealous or upset or something.. because he said that he closed the screen.. but ionos.. it just really upset me to talk about ryan.. so i told him we needed to change the subject.. & that was so weird.. because i thought i was doing well.. it was starting to get easier to talk about him.. but i guess maybe im not as far along in the healing process as i thought. dood, its been over a year.. i think i need to start moving on. i KNOW i do, but its really hard.

still feel like ripping myself apart. i know i wont... well, i dont KNOW i wont, but i dont think ill do it. i just feel like shit. i need someone to talk to. i wish chris or someone would call me. =/

2003-10-21T21:29:00.000-07:00

=/ *sigh* right now i just feel like ripping my arms and legs to shreds with something sharp... blah. dont feel good. upset. =/

2003-10-20T21:04:00.000-07:00

"my eyes burn" - matchbook romance
my eyes burn from these tears
you think id learn over these years
good things wont last forever..
so what the hell am i supposed to do?
you only wanted the things
i couldnt give to you..
and you had it all anyway..
so take, take everything
and leave me scrambling
reaching for something that wasnt there
in the first place..
tell me im wrong when i say
that i cant expect you to spend forever
with me..
i live for that single moment
so take, take everything
and leave me scrambling
reaching for something that wasnt there
in the first place..
i take back everything i said..
you wore those words on your lips
as if they meant anything anyway
sometimes i feel i could drop off the face of the earth
it seems i do more harm than good..
i dont know if its worth
me losing sleep over this..
so take, take everything
and leave me scrambling
reaching for something that wasnt there
in the first place..

i dont really know what to be thinking right now. im lonely. EXTREMELY lonely. its really bad. i hate it. but at the same time, i feel like im not looking into the choices i have right now. but they just dont seem as appealing to me right now.. i dont know. im confused. phillip is being weird.. like, ionos. i miss jo a lot. she was gone all weekend. that was hard. tina has jamie. the people that i would consider pursuing dont want me. keanan's creeping me out. chris doesnt have a gf anymore, which causes a jumble of odd emotions.. he apparently has been "trying to talk to me" and crap.. but i dont understand that, since i havent gotten a phone call or an email or anything in weeks. he didnt even have the sense to leave me a message on yahoo until i decided to leave him one saying "uhhmm.. yeh... just thought id say hi." the other day.. i dont think i should have to email him or message him to keep our friendship going, esp. when he's the one who's busy & has no time, not me.. bllaaahh he just confused me and im still a little hurt/annoyed over it i guess. YES, CHRIS, YOU ACTUALLY HURT ME. i sat there, starting to have feelings again.. and then "hey! i have a gf!" oh isnt that exciting? thats okay though, because it didnt hurt as badly as i expected it. and maybe jo was right. if that happened, it obviously wasnt meant to be. but thats okay, because i can live with that. i just would like to have a friendship again, rather than a relationship that happens only when its convenient. whew, i admitted that. impressive, huh? and then trinity is just totally turning into stan... i mean, i walked into coffee on saturday with tina & said hi to all of them.. and i SPECIFICALLY said hi to trinity, & he didnt say anything. he hardly talked to me/looked at me during the time i was there.... *sigh* i really love the boy, too. hes such a great guy.. when stan isnt around. he really just takes on a different personality towards me when stan's around. i dont understand if its just because stan is his best friend, and he has to act like he dislikes me, like stan does, or just that hes too preoccupied with stan to care about anyone else.. but that doesnt seem to be the case becaues he talks to everyone else.. and it just feels like he ignores me. oh well.

2003-10-17T19:04:00.000-07:00

an excerpt from.... "perfect" - simple plan
nothings gonna change the things that you said..
nothings gonna make this right again..
please dont turn your back
i cant believe its hard just to talk to you
but you dont understand..

had that song stuck in my head for days.. its my favorite off their cd.. and ive had it stuck in my head since i was listening to it a few days ago.. freak.

2003-10-14T22:24:00.000-07:00

blllaahhh... god i cant explain it anymore. its just so crazy lately.. and whats sad is that it isnt SCHOOL.. school hasnt been too bad, actually.. ive been doing homework, studying, doing what i need to do.. its ME thats making me feel this way.. wow that sounded horribly stupid.

pick up the pieces that i left behind
i woke up today feeling older
and ever so much better
i know i talk in circles
i never wanted to avoid your conversation
you see yourself in my eyes
another day has passed us by
the more time i spend
the less i see of you..

i dont know where that came from.. lovely lovely new found glory. i think what's really wrong with me is that im lonely. like, SERIOUSLY lonely. i mean, all of my friends are gone, except for tina & jo.. and jo's still @ logan, & im @ SFSU, so its hard to see her.. & tina, though i see her.. i envy the fact that she has jamie & he loves her so much & she loves him.. i miss that feeling. but i also miss just HAVING someone there.. i dont have anyone i could turn to at any point and know that theyre in love with me & always will be.. sure, i have friends that will tell me they love me.. but its so different. im just lonely. =/ i liked being single for a while because it was just fun, but with everyone i know dating or having bf's/gf's, or just making lots of new friends, it feels weird and painful to be alone.. the only friend i hang out with all the time @ school is MIKEY. i love mikey, dont get me wrong, but its been so hard for me to make friends, mostly because i dont want to put myself out there.. and people look at me weird. seriously, they do. like im some sort of freak. the only people that dont are the ones i actually do talk to. its like high school all over again. =/ i dont want to die alone....... blah!

2003-10-10T23:21:00.000-07:00

My life is rated NC-17.
What is your life rated?

You are Bart!
Yeah, you may defy authority from time to time, but
everyone loves you. There's never a dull moment
when you are around.

Which Simpsons Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are Jack Sparrow!

Which Pirates of the Caribbean character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

SARCASM: Your humor tends to sarcasm. You win a lot
of arguments because you can find the
ridiculous-ness and error of anothers
arguments. You have a quick mind, and a razor
tongue. You are funny because the flaws in
other people are funny, and you point them out.

HONOR US WITH YOUR SHARP WIT AND JOIN:

href="http://pub98.ezboard.com/bkickbanned">http://pub98.ezboard.com/bkickbanned

How funny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-10-10T23:04:00.000-07:00

so sick of it all... blaahhhh... im tired, stressed out, and just feeling icky. and im getting sick. could things be getting any worse? im practically in charge tomorrow during the party (colleen wont be there) so im freakin out about that. =/ tonight was a good night though. heather (she came back from riverside to visit home), ignacio, me, & tina went to the corn maze in ardenwood.. got lost in the maze.. got scurred in the maze (DAMN THAT GUY NAMED PAUL!!).. it was fun. it only took us an hour, quite impressive. and all the guys working there looked @ us in a dirty way when tina told me i had to go first because i had the biggest boobs. =P going to go. tired. coffee tomorrow morning.

2003-10-05T11:08:00.000-07:00

BAH! im tired. so its sunday, the 5th, and im completely beat. yesterday was my cousin mia's 8th birthday & jebus christ.. playing with little kids.. felt like i was at work.. only my cousin's a lot cuter than the kids i play with at work. =P so riiigghhhtt.. havent updated since the 1st? thats not too long. ive been up since 8:30 this morning, but i couldnt tell you what time i went to bed. i dont know. lol

so my moms all pissed off @ me & shit because i "gave her attitude" or something and "embarassed" her at the party yesterday.. shes stupid. she obviously doesnt know how to take a joke, and if she cant deal with 2 old women who have no sense of humor whatsoever, then fine, thats her FUCKING problem. so what happened was, she was being lazy and sitting at the table (she claims there were a lot of people standing around the munchies, so she didnt want to do it herself, when in reality there was only me & my aunt... riiighht.. lots of people!) so i took her plate, & then cameron, one of the little kids (hes younger than the rest i believe) was walking around and kind of confused & stuff, cuz he was looking for the little plates.. so i told my mom "hold on" & turned to go grab him a little plate.. & she was like "where are you going??? the foods THAT way!" & pointed, & i looked at her funny & said "i know, but i went to get cameron a plate".. so she was just being obnoxious. & my aunt handed her the ranch thing, and i asked my mom what she wanted and she wouldnt answer me b/c beforehand all she had said was "ranch" & there was NOTHING on her plate. she wants RANCH? THATS IT? so as i was waiting to go get the stuff, i looked @ her & said JOKINGLY "yenno, i have the day off of work, so i technically dont have to serve anyone" and i laughed & smiled at her, then turned back to go grab the stuff. and apparently marcy & diane (these old ladies that, really, shouldnt have even been paying attention to OUR conversation.. but theyre old, and like my grandmother, so of course theyre nosy & think nothing is funny).. so they apparently looked @ me funny & looked at my mom like "what was that?" so my mom got all pissed off & said "forget it!" & grabbed the plate & the ranch from me (which made her look REALLY stupid, i might add... how mature is it to growl "forget it!" & GRAB shit from your kid? REAL mature, mom. she said I embarassed her.. PLEASE, she embarassed HERSELF.) and shes been pissed off @ me ever since. she fucking irritates me. i cannot WAIT to move out of this godforsaken house. nothing but horrible memories and people here. not a supportive environment. grrrrrrrr.. she annoys the hell out of me. i cant wait to move out because then i wont have to talk to her if i dont want to. wooooo!

uhhmm.. what else to talk about? ahhh, yes. im sooo annoyed right now with a couple of people. first off, im bitter that johnjohn isnt coming to tiffy's birthday thing on halloween because hes "too busy"... and yada yada blah. ironically though, i was reading through my yearbook/scrapbook today, & john specifically wrote "you better keep in touch" LIKE I WOULDNT DO IT! harumph, he doesnt ever come see us or call or anything. booger. so im upset that he cant even take out a few hours of his life to celebrate one of his good friend's 18th birthday and would rather be at berkeley.. he's probably going to hang out with his roomies & all the "girls" he referred to before... butthead!!

the second person im annoyed with is chris. i mean, yes, okay, im busy too.. but jebus christ! i havent talked to him in almost 2 weeks or so.. kind of irritating. its kind of the situation with john, only its a little more emotionally trying. its like, DOOD, youre in the navy. yes, you have work & obligations, but its nothing like going to college day in & day out and having to study for hours on end.. we're all busy, but some of us just make time, while others dont. and i honestly think he's just been kind of avoiding me. he hasnt left me a message or emailed me or anything at all, which is odd, & i get the feeling he just doesnt feel like talking to me. dood, if thats the case, then just fucking say it, yenno? its like, okay, i have feelings for you, but jesus, are you going to be stupid about it? i mean seriously, i know he's interested in that ako chick or whatever.. but why doesnt he just say it if he's dating her or been seeing her or whatever? I DONT GIVE A SHIT. right now im a little livid, so i wouldnt care. id be like "yeh thats nice, but its not gonna last forever, yenno". if he's happy, then whatever. right now im just irritated that he hasnt been putting any effort into our friendship.

going to fucking kill my mother. shes blaming ME for throwing away some icee thing in the garbage can while it still had liquid in it.. HELLO, I HAVENT BEEN HOME FOR THE PAST COUPLE DAYS!!! what the FUCK is her problem??? its my fucking cousin that drinks all those stupid things all the time and doesnt know how to throw things away correctly. hes a moron. and shes the queen of dumbasses who thinks its MY fault just because shes pissed off at me. when shes mad at me, EVERYTHING is my fault. stupid bitch.

2003-10-01T15:42:00.000-07:00

i think im getting sick. =/ ive been feeling really icky all day today.. its been horrible. last night i sat there and listened to "promise" by matchbook romance over & over for like an hour and a half because i couldnt sleep.. it was lame though, because i just kept thinking about random shit to myself over and over and it was weird because i was making myself laugh through the feeling of wanting to cry.. strange times, kids, strange times.

yenno, i think ive gotten to the point where i dont give a shit whether or not i talk to some people anymore. theyre always "too busy" or just "dont have the time" or they just kind of blow me off, so whats the point? i mean honestly, i dont want to put effort into friendships or relationships where i wont get anything out of it, you know? i mean, some of them i can understand, but there are some where im like... riiiggghhhtt... like those people/friends that sit there & talk to you constantly for like a few weeks, everyday, & then all of a sudden you dont talk to them for days. its just like HEELLLOOO?? did you DIE on me or something?? sheesh! but yes.. enough of that.

so this whole "chris thing" (as my friends & i have been referring to it as) has gotten a little off-center.. because i mean, i have feelings for him, i guess, but im not going to let myself care so much that he really hurts me.. because im already upset by this stuff, but i dont want it to get to the point where im crying over something that doesnt deserve my time.. well not "something," but someone. i dont have the stability to have someone break my heart or tear me to pieces.. i have the strength only to love someone, but not to be in pain.. yenno?

thats enough for now. going to go.

2003-09-30T20:56:00.000-07:00

i cant believe i lost my whole entry. BLAH! all i said in essence was that im jealous/hurt/upset for no good reason over chris and whatnot. and that i dont think he has feelings for me or anything anymore/again & that im just going to believe that so if something happens, ill be able to handle it. im going to go now. =/ dont want to think anymore. he's been on my mind too much lately, and im going to try and think about something else.

2003-09-29T22:27:00.000-07:00

too much to think about... not enough heart and soul to cover it all..

2003-09-29T20:42:00.000-07:00

well, today has been a funny little day... i was talking to mikey about the thing i talked about in the entry below this one, & he was kind of laughing at me because i fight with myself internally so much thats its almost like im a schizo.. haha but yes, so today's been an odd one. i thoroughly enjoyed school today (although i was horribly tired all day long).. my english & speech classes were interesting, as always. =) well speech was interesting today because we finished up the presentations that we had put together on friday.. & it was quite funny. =) uhhhm.. right now im listening to "better half" by the get up kids.. im madly in love with this horribly depressing song. =P maaannn.. ive been waiting for chris to come online all evening, but noooooo.. the longer you wait, right? lol.. as jo put it : "a watched pot never boils.. so if you stare @ the door ITS NEVER GONNA BOIL!" (phoebe is great.. haha) but yes... uhhhmm... i dont know where i was going with this. i think im just rambling because im trying to keep my mind off of everything, especially how confused i am right now. ive been singing this DAMNED jewel song for a couple days now.. DAMN THAT YODELING FREAK! =P

"you were meant for me" - jewel
i hear the clock @ 6am..
i feel so far from where ive been..
i got my eggs, i got my pancakes too..
ive got my maple syrup,
everything but you..
i break the yolks & make a smiley face..
i kinda like it in my brand new place..
i wipe the spots off of the mirror
dont leave the keys in the door
i never put wet towels on the floor anymore
cause dreams last for so long
even after youre gone..
i know you love me and soon you will see
you were meant for me
and i was meant for you..
i called my mama she was out for a walk
consulted a cup of coffee, but it didnt wanna talk..
so i picked up a paper, it was more bad news..
more hearts being broken, more people being used..
put on my coat in the pouring rain..
i saw a movie, it just wasnt the same cause
it was happy, or i was sad and..
it made me miss you oh so bad
cause dreams last for so long
even after youre gone..
i know you love me and soon you will see
you were meant for me
and i was meant for you..
i go about my business,
im doing fine..
sides, what would i say if i had you on the line?
same old story, not much to say..
HEARTS ARE BROKEN EVERYDAY..
i brush my teeth, i put the cap back on..
i know you hate it when i leave the light on
i pick up a cup & turn the sheets down
& then i take a deep breath & a good look around..
put on my pj's & hop into bed..
im half alive, but ive been mostly dead..
i try to tell myself it'll all be alright..
i just shouldnt think anymore tonight..
cause dreams last for so long
even after youre gone..
i know you love me and soon you will see
you were meant for me
and i was meant for you..

2003-09-28T22:05:00.000-07:00

have you ever noticed that the more you wait for someone to come online, THEY DONT?! =/ buttheads! uhhhm... yes... as tina puts it, im in denial. im starting to fall for chris again (is that a good thing?) & tina says that im denying it. BUT I JUST ADMITTED IT! so there! =P im trying not to think about it because, even though he & i are really close, i still dont know what hes thinking.. so im trying to keep my mind off of it until i know whats going on. i messed up beforehand by not letting things happen.. and even more so now because i get the feeling that, even if things start panning out, when he comes home, he's going to realize that he doesnt want me.. or whatever. i dont know how to explain it. =/ oh well... im going to go now..

2003-09-28T11:05:00.000-07:00

this is bad. this is allllllll bad. jenn's just crazy. but oh well. she's used to being like that, yenno? she's just got to convince herself that its not happening.

2003-09-25T18:43:00.000-07:00

well, before i begin with the "real" entry for the day, im going to put the lyrics to the damned song ive had stuck in my head for the past couple days. =)

"promise" - matchbook romance
what would you say if i asked you not to go?
to forget everyone, forget everything
and start over with me..
would you take my hand
and never let me go?
promise me you'll never let me go..
and the stars arent out tonight
but neither are we to look up at them..
why does hello feel like goodbye?
these memories cant replace
these wishes i wish and dreams i chase..
take this broken heart and make it right..
i feel like ive lost everything when youre gone..
left remembering what its like
to have you here with me
i thought you should know youre not making this easy..
i never thought id be the one to say
'please dont, please dont leave me..'
i feel like ive lost everything when youre gone..
left remembering what its like
to have you here with me
i thought you should know youre not making this easy..
take my hand and never let me go..
take my hand and never let me go..
promise me youll never let go..
never let go..
never let go..
youll never let go..
make this last forever..
i feel like ive lost everything when youre gone..
left remembering what its like
to have you here with me
i thought you should know youre not making this easy..
ill fall asleep tonight
cuz that brings me closer to you..

okay so on with the journal! lol.. well i went to the used concert last night with tina.. we only stayed to watch story of the year, and then we left. =D hahahaha.. we met these HELLA kool people there too!! this girl, danielle, & her bf (whom i dont remember his name.. but i should ask her bc i have his number too, so i need to know his name. haha), & her bf's brother & nephew, jonathan.. dood!!! his nephew (whom i thought was his bro too.. theyre really close in age; jonathan's well, youll find out, & he's 23)... his nephew is SIXTEEN! damn! why do i like the youngins?! haha.. damn him. haha i mean its only 2 years, but still. theyre all awesome people though.. theyre from HO-desto. =D but yeh, i have danielles #, her bf's #, & jonathan's #.. cuz jenns a pimp! haha not really.. =P

so today tina & i went to see "cold creek manor".. good times, my friends. it wasnt a bad movie.. stephen dorff is HOTTTTTT!! i cant emphasize that enough. lol.. the movie was a little long though.. it was a little over 2 hours long. =P we had lunch together & just had way good times. heheh.. that movie creeped me out & made me sad all at once.. =/ stupid movies!!

so, uhhhmmm... well, chris. yes, chris. going to talk about chris. thats what i wanted to talk about. okay and with all this intro stuff im avoiding it. is that obvious yet? okay ill stop. =) so chris has called me the last two nights from JAPAN.. jebus christ!! (speaking of japan.. i sincerely hope he isnt stationed near where the earthquake was.. but i think he's on the main island.. but i dont remember.) so yes he's called me from japan the last two nights.. the first night, tuesday night, we talked for almost an hour or so.. it felt soooo good talking to him after not talking to him for god knows how long on the phone. i miss him!! i think he should come home. stupid navy. stupid asians. =D but yes, so i think he should come home. it was funny though, cuz me & him talked about nick & his creepy ex girlfriend fiance whatever chick slutwhorebag girl.. & we bitched about it, then changed the subject. =) heheh.. it felt good to just bitch for a while, yenno? lol so yes... and then last night/this morning @ like 1:10AM he called me.. i looked up @ the clock (cuz it woke me up) & then saw that it said "unavailable ID" & assumed it was him, & i answered it.. & he was like "oh im sorry sweetie i didnt mean to wake you up" & whatnot.. so i went back to sleep. heheh.. sheesh i cant believe ive known him for what, like 2 years? but yes, uhhmm.. i swear to god that if he makes me start falling head over heels for him again ill beat him. i swear i will. that military training aint gonna do SHIT for him if that happens. lol.. thats enough for now, im bored and hungee. =)

2003-09-23T21:34:00.000-07:00

i dont know what i was going to write about here.. but lets get started. im horribly confused. not confused, really, well... uhhhmm.. man i feel crazy today. im not talking to my father as of now. he called me a "selfish fucking bitch" & a "selfish asshole" today, so ive decided that im not going to talk to him unless... i dont know. but i dont want to talk to him or see him. he's not much of a great person anymore.

NOW this is where i get confused. my emotions have been running rampant the last couple months.. mostly with things happening with nick & jay & all those sorts of things. i think ive just been feeling so down lately that ive really needed someone to be there for me.. and jo, although she tries, hasnt been there as much as she usually is because she's been having drama with karl and such.. and i understand that, im not upset with her for it.. it just kind of hurts. and tina hasnt been around too much because she's been so busy with school, and she was getting all excited and ready for her trip down to visit jamie.. and ionos.. all my friends left for school, & have their own lives, & are so excited about "meeting new people" and "having new relationships" & i know thats not even a possibility for me.. ive met a couple of friends at school, but theres no one there thats really.. i dont know, been interested in me, i guess. and so, feeling this way (feeling somewhat left out & abandoned, which leads to being lonely.. moreso than usual), and then having nick LIE and CHEAT made things worse.. and then jay just kind of.. i dont know, breaking down my emotions and opening up old wounds.. that hurt a lot too. and theres this guy that likes me, apparently, but ive never met him before.. i talk to him online & on the phone a lot.. hes a nice guy, but its just so weird because hes OVERLY nice to me, and the last person i trusted that was THAT nice to me.. completely broke my heart. and the one that made me feel "uncrazy" & "stable" scared me for that very reason.. and THEN HE WENT AND LEFT FOR THE NAVY!! bastard!! =/ oh well..

i think thats one of the things thats been on my mind lately too. there are a couple of people that i fucked things up with.. that could have worked out or been really good, and i was just too stupid to realize it. kind of like how jo tells alex that hes the man of her dreams, shes just too dumb to realize it. if i hadnt fucked things up with jay in the first place then maybe things would be different right now.. or if i hadnt been so scared of chris things would be different too.. or if i had put more effort into the whole thing between me & james, it might have worked.. but yenno, i guess things happen. im too hurt and confused about things to want to think about it right now.

sometimes i wish i could just cry my eyes out and never stop.. because crying just lets out everything in me.. it makes my body react and makes me release SOME of the pain.. the other thing i did to make the pain stop apparently is "bad" and people wont let me do it. so i dont know. sometimes i wonder if all the pain is really real, or if im just imagining that these things are happening to me. maybe i really am just crazy...........

2003-09-20T11:29:00.000-07:00

last cigarette: never had one, dont plan on it either..
last car ride: alone was to school.. with people was last night, to the oakland airport..
last kiss: a long ass time ago??
last good cry: i dont believe in "good" cries.. lol.. but a couple nights ago.
last library book checked out: psshhh i dunno!!
last movie seen: "cabin fever" =D
last book read: i dont remember... probably that book called bitch that seaton gave me..
last cuss word uttered: ya fuckin dickweed! lol
last beverage drank: water.. mmm..
last food consumed: i dunno... i think i had rice. lol
last crush: uhhhm.. cassandra? i dunno. lol
last phone call: mikey just called me a little while ago
last tv show watched: i havent watched tv for a couple days
last time showered: late last night, around 11:30
last shoes worn: uhhhm... my platform flipflops.. they make jenn feel tall. =D
last cd played: in my car : story of the year.. on computer : matchbook romance.. in stereo : michelle branch.. on walkman : story of the year.. lol =D
last item bought: uhhmm.. i think it was my hair dye? lol
last downloaded: i havent downloaded for quite a while
last annoyance: uhhhmm... omer? hahahah =P
last disappointment: jay, i think.
last soda drank: dr. pepper =D
last thing written: =D lol
last key used: the arrow key & my house key! HA! =P
last words spoken: "i dont wanna go to work.... blargy!"
last sleep: this morning/last night, dorkwad!!!
last im: from nick... "if it is you can put a good word out for me" lol... that buttwipe.
last sexual fantasy: uhhhm... I WANT CASSANDRA! lol =P
last weird encounter: this creepy fool at school.. shoot that rhymed! =D
last ice cream eaten: mint chocolate chip... mmm jenn's favorite..
last time amused: i was laughing at jo last night.. does that help? hehehe
last time wanting to die: its been a couple months
last time in love: let's not talk about that, yes?
last time hugged: uhhhmmm... who the FUCK was the last person to hug me?! uhhhh.. i think tina, actually.. at the airport last night. lol
last time scolded: last night.. it wasnt really "scolded" more like being told what to do.. lol
last time resentful: uhhhmm.. last night @ jamie for STEALING MY TINA! stupid slut. lol
last chair sat in: im actually on my KNEES right now.. oy thats dirty. =P heheh.. the last chair was the chair thats behind me though. lol
last lipstick used: uhhhm... its been a LONG time since i used lipstick.. since senior ball, which was in MAY. lol
last underwear worn: i havent worn underwear since last night.. i dont really sleep in it. lol
last bra worn: uhhhmm... my beige victoria's secret one.. its nice & soft. =D
last shirt worn: *looks at boobies* my "sloth loves chunk" goonies shirt.. lol
last time dancing: i was on my way to the airport with tina & jo & we were listening to story of the year and gettin down with our bad selves... lol and these creepy doods in the car next to us kept smiling & winking @ us and it was gross and i wanted to hurl. lol =P
last poster looked at: i wake up to good charlotte & nfg... mmmm.... good times, kiddos.
last show attended: psshhh.. i dunno.. BUT IM GOING TO THE STORY OF THE YEAR/ THE USED CONCERT! =D
last webpage visited: blogger! =P

in the last 48 hours have you:
cried: for once, nope. lol
bought something: yes, food.
gotten sick: nah
sang: yessum
eaten: yes
been kissed: nope... well by jo, but thats it. hehe
felt stupid: but of course! IM THE JENNINATOR!!!
wanted to tell someone you loved them, but didnt: no siree
met someone new: why, yes, i have.. ive talked to new people in my classes.. *gasp!* JENN'S BEING SOCIAL?! i know, i know.. but i havent been taking my medication lately, so that explains it.. lol
moved on: from what, exactly???
talked to an ex: well im talking to nick right now. lol
missed an ex: surely
talked to someone you have a crush on: every MWF!!! heheheh
had a serious talk: i dont know, really..
hugged someone: yessum
fought with your parents: not really, actually.
dreamed about someone you cant be with: not that i know of.. lol

social life:
best girl friend(s): jo, tina, heater, crystal face, dom, inda, tiffy, ehhwwiin
best guy friend(s): lulu, jay, johnjohn, colin, alan
hobbies: i do lotsa weird things. im the jenninator. i do what i want. =P
what type automobile do you drive: i drive a kia sportage & a civic.. woo... =P
what type automobile do you wish you drove: a jetta! hehe
would you rather be with friends or on a date: id rather be with a significant other and my friends all at once =D
where is the best hangout: jo's house, tina's room, my garage...
do you have a job: yessum... clubsport! yay! =P
do you attend church: nope! yayyy for the heathen!! hehe
do you like being around people: sometimes.... it depends on who it is.

personal:
what are your pet peeves: I HATE PEOPLE WHO ARE STUPID! lol.. no, seriously, i hate people who dont think before they speak.. and who are just insensitive overall.. and people who lie & cheat.
have you ever been in love: im gonna lie and say HELL NO! lol
have you ever liked someone you had no chance with: unfortunately, yes. =P
have you ever cried over the opposite sex: lol yeh
do you have a "type" of person you always go after: uhhhmm... i seem to like ASSHOLES! =P
ever wanted to get revenge on someone because they hurt you: of course.. & ive gotten it a few times. hehe
ever been cheated on: GRRRRRR! >=(
ever said i love you to a significant other: .......... next question!!!
rather have a relationship or a "hookup": id rather have relationships...
want someone you dont have right now: yeh, kind of.
ever liked your best guy/girl friend: i think everyone does that.
do you want to get married: i WANT to, but i dont think i will...
do you want kids: yeh i do...
do you believe in psychics: i guess so...
do you believe you know the person whom you will marry: i dunno, honestly.
what is your favorite part of your physical appearance: i like my hair, i think....
what is your favorite part of your emotional being: my "emotional being" is an unstable little shithead that should be shot in the balls and ripped to shreds! well.... my emotional being doesnt have BALLS, but if it did.....! lol
are you happy with you: fuck no! sheeshkers.....
are you happy with your life: i dunno... in some aspects, yes.
if you could change something in your life right now, what would it be: i dont know, really.. there are a lot of things i wish i could change about the PAST, so thats really impossible.. so i dont know what i would change now.. and honestly, considering the shit ive gone through in my life, i dont think i did a horribly bad job with my life.. so maybe ill just leave it the way it is for now, and see where things go.

2003-09-11T13:32:00.000-07:00

well, its thursday.. i got home from school around an hour ago.. MAN, this week has just been a bad week to fuck with jenn. im in such a pissy, bitchy, horrible mood and i dont know why. but yes.. so ive just been snippy & bitchy towards everyone all week. its kind of funny, actually. let me tell you about some of the things that have been irritating me. so for one, the whole omer thing REALLY pissed me off. he's just sooo irritating. i havent gotten to see jo lately, so thats part of whats bugging me. and like, lately gabe's been really nice to me.. and that doesn't piss me off, its just weird. so thinking about how totally off that is has been putting me in a weird state. and tony's been overly flirty with me, telling me "oh you know i love you more than anything" & "sorry, i was looking @ your picture because you always make me feel so much better" & all this bullshit. and i was supposed to call him @ 10 last night. and i called him @ 10:04. and his brother or whoever said he wasnt home. THAT, for one, pissed me off. and THEN, i just finished talking to jack. and tony apparently has a gf now. WHAT THE HELL?? WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?? apparently yesterday (thanks for telling me, asswipe). yenno? kind of irritating. and ive just been bitching at everyone. im annoyed. road rage has escalated about 10-fold. lol.. gonna go now.

2003-09-09T14:12:00.000-07:00

so, its tuesday, and im going to leave for a doctor's appointment in just a few minutes.. im really really tired right now. lol funny things happened the last few days. omer turned out to be an immature weirdo, so that was entertaining. and ive just been having fun the past few days. i talked to jay the other night.. and it just felt really good to talk to him. and that was the first time in a long time where we didnt fight while we were on the phone! it was kinda neat.. uhhmm.. dont know what else to say, really. lol one more thing. my mom, last night, saw my tickets to go see the used & story of the year on the 24th of this month.. she got helllllla pissed. lol it was soooo funny! she flipped out about me going out on a school night and all this bullshit. it was kinda funny. dorkwad. OH! my grandma left for korea this past sunday; she wont be back for a few weeks. =)

2003-09-06T22:41:00.000-07:00

so, its been a few days.. ive started school already (i started on the 27th), and so far, things have been going really great. its been good. i know i talked a little bit about school last time, but i just thought id mention it again. =) uhhmm.. yes.. so.. here's a few updates with things.

i went out last night, to see "the order," with omer, tina, & heather.. it was an okay movie.. a little weird.. and i didnt like the parts where they showed people dying of suicide & that whole thing because.. yeh.. it struck WAAAYYYY too close to home. anyways. omer is such a fun guy. he's hella funny dood! me & him were picking on each other all night.. very odd. =) but yes, anyways.. uhhhm.. i feel like the night went well. but im not sure if he feels the same way, you know? i mean, it seemed like he had fun.. but i still dont know. it was weird, because like, nothing "physical" happened between us and whatnot.. and at times it seemed like he didnt wanna talk to me and stuff.. i dunno. uhhhmmm.. i guess ill figure it out eventually. i mean, if he doesnt wanna see me again or whatever, then i can deal with it. but i dont want him to be "sorting things out" or something until he really decides it.. thats annoying. so yeh, i guess ill update more on that later on. lol

so yes.. uhhhmm.. i dont know what else i was gonna update you all on. lol im confoozled now. =P

2003-08-31T21:23:00.000-07:00

so.. uhhhmm.. i dont EVEN know what i was gonna say in this thing.. woooooo.. im intelligent! lol.. OH! so i started school this past week, on wednesday.. and im honestly having the time of my life so far.. so many good looking guys & gals, and i have AWESOME professors.. hella funny, really passionate, and overall theyre just going to be great. i get up @ 6am and leave my house @ 6:45, so i can get to class on time.. but jesus, its worth it. im happy with my classes, and i really like my professors, and i get to see mikey on MWF (we have lunch together).. so im loving it. =) uhhmm.. nick was cheating on me. thats all im gonna say about it right now.

2003-08-27T21:17:00.000-07:00

so, this is going to be another music post, basically... there will be three songs. every one is by the awesome band called matchbook romance (you all should check them out if youve never heard of them..) all of them are for different people and have different meanings.

song #1: this is all for david.. because i trusted him.. and it was really stupid to do it.

the greatest fall of all time
the hand of my clock strikes 2
in times when i got the best of you
we made promises we couldnt keep
and everynight we couldnt sleep..
i didnt know why, but didnt ask questions..
because it was the first time in my life
yeh, the first time in my life
where i did something right..
i set myself up for the greatest fall of all time..
you pick me apart
while i search for witty things to say in my defense
'youll never amount to anything anyway'
dont press your luck..
and think that im impressed with your one night stands
and your contagious kiss..
im trying to get this right
cause im ridiculous like that..
i set myself up for the greatest fall of all time..
ill keep this as a constant reminder..
of the nights i spent holding onto [him]
and rest assured im moving on..
i miss you less with each day youre gone..

song #2: this is all for nick... i HATE missing him like this, i really do.. its driving me nuts. but i miss him.. =/

"farewell to friends"
a picture's worth a thousand words
but not worth the words i need to hear..
i miss you so much that it hurts..
and tonight i wish you were here with me
so i could make you see the stars..
they lay across the sky so perfectly
they remind me of
all the times when we used to sit underneath
on those summer nights
and fall in love..
its not alright, its our last night together
i wont give up..
i cant let go of you..
i cant let go of you..
and tonight i close my eyes and dream that [he]
is still the one laying there beside me..
id walk a thousand miles..
id swim across the sea..
what do i have to do?
please just tell me..

song #3: this is for jay... grrrr he really hurt me a couple weeks ago, telling me i was "too fucked up to handle the truth all the time" and shit.. and it was just horrible... thats not exactly the thing i needed to hear right then...

"save yourself"
these words fall from your mouth
and stab me in the back..
it should have never come to this..
its too late for your apologies..
they cant bring back all that youve taken from me..
stripped of my pride and left for dead..
this time is the last time i take this abuse..
ive found my place, and this place is far away from you..
how can you say that im at fault
the one to blame is you..
stripped of my pride and left for dead..
im so tired of apologizing to myself for you
and what youve done to me..
and ive tried to forgive myself for caring about you..
theres nothing i can do
this time is the last time i take this abuse..
ive found my place and this place is far away from you..

2003-08-24T23:59:00.000-07:00

im sooooo sick of all of this.. its not really worth it sometimes. its just so weird too.. because i havent thought about killing myself in a long time (its been a few months.. that really is a long time for me), but i still dont believe that life is worth it. there are few things that make me get up in the mornings : jo, tina, my sister, & my parents. okay... so... uhhmm.. me & nick... long story dont want to talk about what happened all that needs to be said is that we're not together anymore. why do things always turn out like this? i trusted nick for such a long time, i love him, id do anything for him, and yet i always get screwed with... boy i must have been one hell of an asshole in my past lives because i dont recall ever doing anything to deserve this shit.. *sigh* jo just asked me if im honestly considering taking him back.. and i want to tell her the truth (which is yes), but i dont want to because i dont want to have to explain it.. i mean, i know she'd understand it.. but right now im so on the verge of tears that explaining it would just make me cry. i miss him sooooo much.. he hasnt talked to me.. and that hurts like fucking hell because right now i need someone to be there for me.. i mean, jo's there, but its different.. she may love be, but shes not IN love with me.. and i know it sounds pathetic but right now i really do need someone to be in love with me.. i need someone to actually WANT me.. because i feel like im the least wanted person in the world right now. i just miss him so much.. hO: i know how much you feel for this guy. i know how much it meant to you to have someone be sappy & romantic like that with you. those sorts of things make you feel special & important. i was thrilled that he gave you those things becuz you deserve to have that... hO: really, it's one of your down falls that worries me...you are quick & eager to love someone & have them love you back. (i guess that's why you & i get along so well, is becuz even tho i try to deny it, i'm the same way. not only that, its becuz you & i developed that type of bestfriend/loving relationship relatively fast). it just sets up the heart for major heartache when the floor is pulled out from under so to speak thats exactly what jo just said to me on yahoo... blah shes so... so... RIGHT. im always in such a need for acceptance and affection and love that i trust too willingly, even though i dont want to.. my mind is telling me to be careful, but my heart doesnt want to listen.. i hate this! i mean.. i know that i have lots of qualities that turn people off - im fucked up, im ugly, im weird, im open minded, im stubborn.. but i didnt know i was THAT fucked up, or ugly, or weird.. or that i was THAT offensive to people.. i just really miss him. i wish i could understand why i miss him so much, and why im still in love with him.... but i cant. =/

2003-08-21T22:30:00.000-07:00

"save me" - hanson

loving you like i never have before..
needing you just to open up the door..
if begging you will somehow turn the tides
then tell me to..
i gotta get this off my mind..
i never thought id be speaking these words..
never thought id need to say
another day alone is more than i can take..

wont you save me?
saving's what i need..
i just wanna be by your side..
wont you save me?
i dont wanna be just drifting through the sea of life..

wont you listen please?
baby, dont walk out that door..
im on my knees..
youre all im living for..
i never thought id be speaking these words..
heaven thought id find a way..
another day alone is more than i can take..

wont you save me?
saving's what i need..
i just wanna be by your side..
wont you save me?
i dont wanna be just drifting through the sea of life..

suddenly the sky is falling..
could it be its too late for me?
if i never said im sorry,
then im wrong..
yes, im wrong..
then i hear my spirit calling..
wondering if [hes] longing for me..
and then i know that i cant live without [him]..

wont you save me?
saving's what i need..
i just wanna be by your side..
wont you save me?
i dont wanna be just drifting through the sea of life..

wont you save me?
wont you save me?.......

extremely confused right now.. not sure what to be feeling. i think im going to go lay down. blllaaahhhh........ im so sick of being confused. i really do love nick; which makes everything hurt even more right now. i felt a twinge of.. i dont know, maybe it was pain, maybe it was jealousy.. when i found out that trinity was on a date. but i also let jon get to me again tonight.. =/ oh well. i think i just need nick around right now, and thats not happening, so its kind of... fucking things up. im going to go now.

2003-08-20T00:47:00.000-07:00

this is the music post....

"Say Anything"- Good Charlotte

Here I am on
The phone again, and
Awkward silence is
On the other end
I used to know the sound
Of a smile in your voice
But right now (right now)
All I feel (All I feel)
Is the pain of the fighting
Starting up again

All the things we talk about
You know they stay on my mind
On my mind
All the things we laugh about
They'll bring us through it every time
After time after time

Don't say a word
I know you feel the same
Just give me a sign
Say anything, say anything
Please don't walk away
I know you wanna stay
Just give me a sign
Say anything, say anything

Some say that
Time changes
Best friends can
Become strangers
But I don't want that
No, not for you
If you just stay with me, we can make it through
So Here we are again
The same old argument
And now I'm wonderin'
If things'll ever change, yeah
When will you laugh again?
Laugh like you did back when
We'd make noise til 3 AM and the neighbors would complain

All the things we talk about
You know they stay on my mind
On my mind
All the things we laugh about
They'll bring us through it every time
After time after time

Don't say a word
I know you feel the same
Just give me a sign
Say anything, say anything
Please don't walk away
I know you wanna stay
Just give me a sign
Say anything, say anything

I'm fallin'
I'm fallin'
I'm fallin' down
I'm fallin'
I'm fallin'
I'm fallin' down
Down
Down
Down

Don't say a word
I know you feel the same
Just give me a sign
Say anything, say anything
Please don't walk away
I know you wanna stay
If you'll just give me a sign
Say anything, say anything

Don't say a word (Please don't leave)
I know you feel the same
Just give me a sign
Say anything, say anything
Please don't walk away (Please don't leave)
I know you wanna stay
Just give me a sign
Say anything, say anything

"Konstantine"- Something Corporate

I can't imagine all the people that you know
and the places that you go
when the lights are turned down low
and I don't understand all the things you've seen
but i'm slipping inbetween
you and your big dreams
it's always you
in my big dreams

and you tell me that it's over
wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clovers
and your restless, and i'm naked
you've gotta get out
you can't stand to see me shaking
no
could you let me go?
I didn't think so

and you don't wanna be here in the future
so you say the present's just a pleasent interruption to the past
and you don't wanna look much closer
cuz your afraid to find out all this hope
you had sent into the sky by now had crashed
and it did
because of me

and then you bring me home
afraid to find out that you're alone
and i'm sleeping in your living room
but we don't have much room to live

I had these dreams that i learned to play guitar
maybe cross the country
become a rock star
and there was hope in me that i could take you there
but dammit you're so young
well i don't think i care
and if i hurt you
then i'm sorry
please don't think that this was easy

then you bring me home
cuz we both know what it's like to be alone
and i'm dreaming in your living room
but we don't have much room to live

and konstantine is walking down the stairs
doesn't she look good
standing in her underwear
and i was thinking
what i was thinking
we've been drinking and it doesn't get me anywhere

my Konstantine came walking down the stairs
and all that i could do is touch her long blonde hair
and i've been thinking
it hurts me thinking that these nights
when we were drinking no they never got us anywhere
no

this is because i can spell konfusion with a k
and i like it
it's to dying in another's arms and why I had to try it
it's to jimmy eat world and those nights in my car
when the first star you see may not be a star
I'm not your star
isn't that what you said
what you thought this song meant

and if this is what it takes
just to lie in my mistakes
and live with what i did to you
and all the hell I put you through
I always catch the clock
it's 11:11
and now you want to talk
it's not hard to dream
you'll always be my konstantine

konstantine, they'll never hurt you like i do
no they'll never hurt you like i do
no, no, no no no no no no

this is to a girl who got into my head
with all the pretty things she did
hey
you know
you keep me up in bed
this is to a girl who got into my head
with all the fucked up things i did
hey
maybe
baby
you could keep me up in bed
my Konstantine
spin around me like a dream we played out on this movie screen
and i said
did you know i missed you? [x7]
oh god i miss you

and then you bring me home
and we'll go to sleep, but this time, not alone, no no
and you'll kiss me in your living room
i know
you'll miss me in your living room
cuz these nights i think maybe that i'll miss you in my living room
we don't have much room
i said does anybody need that room?
because we all need a little more room
to live

my Konstantine

"Better Half"- Get Up Kids

i saw my better half
the better half of a decade
slip through my hands inside her hands inside my pockets
when she reached for her advatages i should have done something
i saw my baby boy digging his own hole
keeping alive family traditions
when he lied about intentions i should have done something
well
i blame myself for everything
it keeps my conscience clean
i've got bandages to prove it

2003-08-17T16:20:00.000-07:00

congratulations. you are the kiss my ass happy
bunny. You don't care about anyone or anything.
You must be so proud

which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-08-17T16:13:00.000-07:00

Blue

What Color Wings Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

Hardcore.
You're angry & you don't know why, but you'll fuck
us all up if we piss you off! Grr. Or Not.

Which Subculture Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

"You must remember this, a kiss is still a
kiss". Your romance is Casablanca. A
classic story of love in trying times, chock
full of both cynicism and hope. You obviously
believe in true love, but you're also
constantly aware of practicality and societal
expectations. That's not always fun, but at
least it's realistic. Try not to let the Nazis
get you down too much.

What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are Belle from Beauty and the Beast!

What Disney Princess are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-08-17T10:33:00.000-07:00

Ten Bands that rock your socks
01. New Found Glory
02. Good Charlotte
03. The Doors
04. Something Corporate
05. The Early November
06. Senses Fail
07. MxPx
08. Story of the Year
09. Mest
10. Marilyn Manson

Nine Things You're Looking Forward To (not in any particular order)
01. Starting @ SFSU
02. Drive Thru Invasion Tour
03. "Identity" coming out on DVD
04. Getting married
05. Having children
06. Spending time with Nick =)
07. Growing old with my friends
08. Meeting new people @ SFSU
09. Finding Mikey a boytoy =)

Eight Things You Wear Daily
01. Pants
02. Black rubber bracelets
03. Trinity's balls
04. Shoes
05. Bra/Bra-top
06. Shirt
07. Sunglasses
08. Chapstick/Lipgloss (NO, i dont always wear underwear.. lol)

Seven Things That Annoy You
01. Teenie-boppers
02. Avril Lavigne
03. Colin Farrell
04. Tom Cruise
05. Racists
06. Chauvanists
07. Preps

Six Things You Touch Every Day
01. My hair
02. My car/car keys
03. My stereo
04. My cell phone
05. My shoes
06. My pillow

Five Things You Do Every Day
01. Shower
02. Brush my teeth
03. Talk on the phone
04. Talk to Nick
05. Drive

Four People You'd Want to Spend More Time With
01. Nick
02. Jo
03. Tina
04. Colin

Three Movies You Could Watch Over and Over
01. Lilo & Stitch
02. The Life of David Gale
03. Porky's

Two Songs You've Been Listening To A Lot Lately
01. "I Want to Hear You Sad" - The Early November
02. "Jaded" - Mest

One Person You Could Spend the Rest of Your Life With
01. Nick or Jo

2003-08-17T10:31:00.000-07:00

:x: name = Jennifer Lee Vanaman =P
:x: piercings = well, right now, its just the ears.. but soon to be the nipples =)
:x: tattoos = not yet
:x: height = 5'7"
:x: shoe size = 8
:x: hair color = Brown
:x: length = im currently between my tom cruise & kevin bacon stages.. lol
:x: siblings = older sister.. jenns the baby! hehe

LAST...
:x: movie you rented = damn that was a while ago.. i think documentaries for my APS project during the school year... hahahaha
:x: movie you bought = american pie 1 & 2 (complete with the beneath the crusts.. lol), & final destination 2
:x: song you listened to = "water runs dry" by boyz 2 men
:x: song that was stuck in your head = "feliz navidad"... yes... i know.. WHAT THE FUCK?!
:x: cd you bought = american wedding soundtrack & boyz 2 men greatest hits
:x: cd you listened to = boyz 2 men greatest hits.. lol
:x: person you've called = my ho =)
:x: person that's called you = tina, i think.
:x: tv show you've watched = The Simpsons
:x: person you were thinking of = nick, of course! hehe

DO...
:x: you have a bf or gf = *smiles* yeessss.. hehe
:x: you have a crush on someone = well, my boyfriend is a good guess. lol
:x: you wish you could live somewhere else = anywhere but here.. lol
:x: you think about suicide = i have before; i havent lately though.
:x: you believe in online dating = yes & no.. its a weird question. lol
:x: others find you attractive = i dont know, do you all? lol
:x: you want more piercings = HELL YES!
:x: you drink = rarely
:x: you smoke = hell fuckin no.. ew ew ew ew ew!
:x: you like cleaning = bitch please. jenn is NOT a maid. lol
:x: you like roller coasters = more than sex! wait.. maybe not THAT much.. haha
:x: you write in cursive or print = print.. my cursive can lick my hairy balls.. ew.. =/
:x: you carry a donor card = uhhhm.. not my ORGANS. lol.. blood donor, yes. =P

FOR OR AGAINST...
:x: long distance relationships = either, doesnt matter.
:x: using someone = against
:x: killing people = against.. well, in the cases where the person deserves it, im all for it.
:x: teenage smoking= against
:x: premarital sex= for
:x: driving drunk = against. VERY VERY VERY AGAINST
:x: gay/lesbian relationship = all for it =)
:x: soap operas = against

FAVORITE:
:x: food = italian, mexican, korean, & thai
:x: song = sooo many.. here it goes: "globes & maps"-soco, every nfg & gc song, all the boyz 2 men songs, all the hanson songs (shut up. i dont wanna hear your crap. lol), "rock & roll" by led zep.. uhhhm.. lots more. lol
:x: thing to do = sleeeeeeeep.. mmmm...
:x: thing to talk about = music, sexy men & women, & philosophy &/or religion.. also women's issues & sexuality issues. =)
:x: sports = waterpolo, hockey, & soccer
:x: drink = lovvveee water.. but alcoholic drink, jenn likes.. uhhhmm.. ionos. alcohol just tastes good. haha i like drinks that have lots of sugar in them.. like shirley temples!! eeeeeep!! those are yummy... =)
:x: clothes = the ones i own, DUH!!! haha
:x: movies = lots & lots & lots.. sheesh.
:x: band/singer =tooooo damned many to name.. sheesh.
:x: holiday = id say christmas.. i like shopping. =)

HAVE YOU...
:x: ever cried over a guy/girl = grrrr... yes.
:x: ever lied to someone = yes
:x: ever been in a fist fight = 17 to date. lol
:x: ever been arrested = no sir

NUMBER...
:x: of times I have been in love? = TRULY in love with someone.. 3.
:x: of times I have had my heart broken? = omg.. i cant count THAT high.
:x: of hearts I have broken? = i honestly do not know.
:x: of girls I have kissed? = like SERIOUSLY kissed? 2.. but i kiss jo all the time =)
:x: of boys I have kissed? = lots? lol
:x: of drugs taken illegally? = nope nope nope.
:x: of people I would classify as true friends, could trust with my life = well... lemme count, hold on a sec... 9.
:x: of people I consider my enemies? = hahaha.. i cant count that high once again. =P
:x: of times my name has appeared in the newspaper? = i really dont know.. haha
:x: of scars on my body? = more than id like to admit. =/
:x: of things in my past that I regret? = see above.

FAVORITE...
:x: disney movie = the little mermaid! yay!
:x: scent = vanilla, cinnamon, & strawberry.. mmm...
:x: word = ambiguous is a fun word.. and so is lesbian.. it just sounds pretty. =)
:x: nickname = cupcake =) & BUTTCAKES!!!
:x: eye color = i LOVE dark eyes.. & grey-green-blue.. mmm...
:x: flower = hibiscus & sunflowers =)
:x: piercing = lips & nipples. heheheheh

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE...
:x: pretty = i highly doubt that.
:x: funny = without a doubt. its in the blood. haha
:x: hot = actually, i am a little warm right now. =P
:x: friendly = when i want to be
:x: amusing = sure why not??
:x: ugly = THATS the right word for it. lol
:x: loveable = i can be.. hehe
:x: pessimistic = i prefer calling it "realistic".. haha
:x: optimistic = at times, yes.
:x: caring = to those that i love, of course!
:x: sweet = *licks self* actually..... =P haha
:x: dorky = HELL YES! whats the fun in being JENN if youre not dorky?!
:x: Spell your first name back wards : refinnej.. hehe thats funny!
:x: The story behind your user name: my names jenn.. & im a morbid person. haha
:x: Where do you live?: in good ol' union city, ca. =P
:x: 4 words that sum you up: compassionate, music, weird, sensitive

DESCRIBE YOUR -
:x: Wallet = its this weird black thing with silver rivets. lol
:x: Hairbrush = i dont know if i still own one since i chopped all my hair off.. haha
:x: Toothbrush = its purple. and pretty. =)
:x: Jewelry worn daily = my black rubber bracelets & trinity's balls..
:x: Shoes = im not allowed to wear shoes in the house.. but i wore my black platform flipflops today while i was out.. =P
:x: Handbag = you mean my PURSE? its a grey dickies over-the-shoulder bag.. well, the front flap is all like a bleached grey now because ive had it for like 5 years.. haha
:x: Favorite shirt = uhhhmm.. i have lots of em. teehee.. but i really like my new nightmare before christmas tshirts.. muahahaha. =)
:x: CD in stereo right now = "leaving through the window" - something corporate
:x: What you are wearing now = jeans, & my 10th anniversary nightmare shirt (it has jack on it & he glows! woohoo!!)
:x: Hair = short.. and right now its actually done, so its out there. lol
:x: Make up = not one bit

WHO or WHAT (was/is/are) -
:x: In my mouth = my TONGUE, maybe??? =P
:x: In my head = "time consumer" coheed & cambria
:x: Wishing = i was with nick right now.. =)
:x: After this = gonna go take a shower. hehe
:x: Talking to = im talking to mikey mcmikerson right now. yayyyyy mikey wikey! =)
:x: Eating = lollipops are always good. =)
:x: Person you wish you were with = nick & jo & tinabobina.
:x: Something you're looking forward to in this up coming month = in august? NICK MEETING JO & TINA!! & also school.. lol
:x: Something that you are deathly afraid of? = honestly, the dark. & spiders.
:x: Do you like candles = i LOVE them
:x: Do you like the taste of blood = yes i do
:x: Do you believe in love = yes
:x: Do you believe in soul mates = yes
:x: Do you believe in love at first sight = yes
:x: Do you believe in God: i believe that there is something out there, but i do NOT believe theres only "one" god.. i think theres a multitude.

2003-08-16T23:14:00.000-07:00

Wow! You are a true survivor! In fact, you are
capable of being the hero in these horror
films.

Can You Survive In A Horror Movie?
brought to you by Quizilla

The Zombies!!! They want your brain!!! You've spent
a lifetime
stuffing useless knowledge in that brain matter..
to make it
blue ribbon worthy!! You're good enough for
seconds!

How Shall You Die in a Horror Movie?
brought to you by Quizilla

Freddy Krueger - You are Freddy Krueger!!! The
scariest guy alive - yet one word of
wisdom...come outta the dreams and face them
like a man!! Or..in your case...a mutant...

Which Horror Movie Psycho are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You're living the movie Event Horizon!

?? Which Horror Movie Are You Living ??
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Well, THE CHANGELING is the movie that best fits
you. I bet you have never heard of it. You have
a ghost in your house that keeps waking you up.
When you tried to help it, it burns down your
house. I know, I know, It's whack. It's all
good though, because you meet someone, however
neurotic they may be.

What bad horror movie do you belong in?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-08-16T22:52:00.000-07:00

Fight Club!

What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Good stuff, you are "Wedding? I love
weddings! Drinks all around." You're the
life of the party and nothing gets you down,
not even certain death at the hands of your
zombie nemesis or the Navy. Come to think of
it, realism isn't your strong suit...

Which one of Captain Jack Sparrow's bizarre sayings from Pirates of the Caribbean are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are "high fidelity" personally, my
favourite movie ever. You are deeply troubled
by things you cant understand, have a love of
music and the company of your one true love. go
you!

Which John Cusack Film Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-08-11T22:52:00.000-07:00

this is for the boy who stole my heart

"make me whole" - amel larrieux
darling, i want you to listen..
i stayed up all night so i could get this thing right..
and i dont think there's anything missing..
cause a person like you made it easy to do
ive waited for so long to sing to you this song..

your eyes are the windows to heaven..
your smile could heal a million souls..
your love completes my existence..
youre the other half that makes me whole..
youre the only other half that makes me whole..

i think the angels are your brothers..
they told you about me, said youre just what she needs..
and i find myself thanking your mother
for giving birth to a saint..
my spirit flies when I say your name
if there's one thing that's true
it's that i was born to love you..

your eyes are the windows to heaven..
your smile could heal a million souls..
your love completes my existence..
youre the other half that makes me whole..
youre the only other half that makes me whole..

you make my dreams
come true over and over again..
and i honestly truly believe
you and me are written in the stars..
i live my whole life through
to giving thanks to you..

your eyes are the windows to heaven..
your smile could heal a million souls..
your love completes my existence..
youre the other half that makes me whole..
youre the only other half that makes me whole..

i think nick doesnt get enough credit.. my friends seem a little bitter that he's not ready to meet them, but im willing to deal with it.. he really has held me together even though no one realizes it. i love him so much, i really do.. and it makes me feel so wanted knowing that he's willing to be there by my side through thick & thin, regardless of exactly whats going on in my life.. he makes me feel like im a whole person, like im not insane & i dont have all the problems that everyone else sees.. he sees the "good" jenn - the one i used to be, before all the shit happened. i guess its not really that he sees that side of me, its more that he brings it out in me. i cant help but smile when im around him, and when he holds my hand or kisses me, i realize that he's exactly what ive needed in my life.. he's my stability; that person who's so good at helping me stay in one piece that its almost scary.. i was gone for a week this past week, and i missed him like crazy.. we've been together only for a couple weeks, but it feels like its been a lifetime.. i think this is what true love feels like, right? i always want him there.. i need him because im in love with him, & he gives me the feeling that i can do anything because he believes in me.. i dont know if i tell him enough just what he means to me.. but im hoping with this that he knows it a little bit better. i love you nick. =)

2003-07-28T01:27:00.000-07:00

"globes & maps" - soco

light breaks underneath a heavy door..
& i try to keep myself awake..
fall all around us on a hotel floor..
& you think that you've made a mistake..
there's a pain in my stomach
from another sleepless binge..
& i struggle to get myself up again..
i wanna hang onto something
that wont break away or fall apart
like the pieces of my heart..

globes & maps are all around me now
i wanna feel you breathe me..
globes & maps, i see surround you here
why wont you believe me?
globes & maps, they chart your way back home
do you wanna leave or something?

dreams came around you in a hazy rain
you open your mouth wide to feel them fall..
& i write a letter from a one-way train
but i dont think you'll read it at all..

globes & maps are all around me now
i wanna feel you breathe me..
globes & maps, i see surround you here
why wont you believe me?
globes & maps, they chart your way back home
do you wanna leave or something?

and i cant take this anymore..
i know that i cant take this anymore..
i cant take this anymore..
cause i know someday ill see you walk out that door.. =/

and globes & maps are all around me now
i wanna feel you breathe me..
globes & maps, I see surround you here..
why won't you believe me?
globes & maps, they chart your way back home..
so do you wanna leave? do you wanna leave?
globes & maps, they chart your way back home..
do you wanna leave or something?

HERE'S TO PROZAC:

i honestly dont understand myself sometimes. it really upsets me that im not happy. it used to not bother me much, but now it really does. right now, my life isnt too bad. im just trying to arrange things for switching to SJSU, even though i dont want to go there, to make my mom happy. other than that, its just work and play, for the most part. i have a boyfriend who's good to me; he's funny, sweet, & understanding.. and he's also a total weirdo. so we all know thats a plus. but theres been so many things on my mind lately, namely 4 different things. well, people really. of course, nick (my boyfriend) has been on my mind, but the other 4 are the things that have been perplexing me the last couple weeks. and oddly enough, theyre all people who have held my heart at one point in my life. i mean, i finally started figuring out things, & this summer has been an emotionally trying one - losing all my friends and actually having to MOVE ON is really hard.. my friends are the only things that kept me alive throughout high school - which were the 4 worst years of my life as of yet - and i dont know how im going to survive college without them by my side. oh well, i guess thats the way life goes. here's the 4 people ive been thinking about...

JAY - that boy truly means the world to me, & its really weird not talking to him all the time. i remember, when we were together, i'd call him on my cell during lunch while i was at school just so i could hear his voice.. & now i never talk to him, mostly because he's just too busy for me. he tells me he still loves me, & that really bothers me. i think its because he's one of the only 4 people in my life, that no matter what happens, a piece of my heart is ALWAYS going to be with them, & ill always truly love them, no matter how badly they treat me, how much they hurt me, how much i hurt them, or how sour our relationship turns (2 of the other 3 are coming up). i just really miss him.. he was the first guy i truly trusted after davey killed himself, & he has no idea what he means to me.. i feel like our friendship is falling apart, especially at a point where i really really need him.. i think thats why i keep thinking about him.

RYAN (#1) - ryan #1.. yes, i numbered them.. #1 is the one that.. well.. he's the one that died. and i think about him all the time. he's also #2 of the ones ill always love.. i mean, so many things happened around him AFTER he died.. and it just hurts realizing i can never hear his voice ever again, i can never watch him sing & play his guitar, i cant flick his nipple ring to annoy him, i cant help him put his hair into his liberty spikes, i cant ever lay on his bed & have him sing me to sleep again.. i just overall cant have one of my best friends back. i cant take back what happened, i had no control over it; and i HATE not having control... especially when it comes to the matter of life or death.. i just miss him a lot.. he wanted me to marry him, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.. & i never thought anyone could ever care about me like that.. i just wish he could still be here. he was such an unbelievable person.

JON - he just confuses me sometimes.. he's #3 of the ones that im always going to love. ive known the boy for years.. & its had it's complete highs (i mean, so high that there was barely enough oxygen for us to breathe), & it's unbelievable lows that just threw me into a downward spiral.. we've tried over & over again to have a relationship & it never seems to work.. which, in a sense, really bothers me because he's such a great person.. but i also feel that it wont ever work simply because im too much for him to handle.. he's not exactly the most stable person himself, but give him a clingy, emotional, & overall fucked up girlfriend who's constantly in a state of hysteria & it just doesnt work.. no matter what he believes, ive always loved him, and im not going to let go of that, whether he likes it or not. he may have really hurt me in the past, but he's still one of the only guys i trust.. which is kind of weird, i guess.. we just have an odd relationship.. we go through periods where we talk all the time, we're affectionate, & then something always happens & it gets fucked up & we hardly talk.. & i guess i feel like this time its getting bad.. we just havent really been talking.. and it really started to get to me because i do love him, & i really want him to be a part of my life, but i know that deep down, even if he wont admit it, it bothers him if he knows im seeing someone new.. and in a way it feels like that when i know he's seeing someone, but i tell myself that its okay if he's happy.. we started talking again all of a sudden a couple days ago.. & it feels good.. but i think i annoyed him &/or upset him when i told him about nick.. i just want us to have a happy friendship again, because he's a BEAUTIFUL person anyway, but he's even more beautiful when he smiles.. and his smile is contagious.. he's good at making me smile.. i wish he would do it himself though. =/

TRINITY - this boy.. i feel really really guilty for everything that happened between us.. or everything that DIDNT happen, i guess.. i mean, i truly had feelings for him, i have on & off for the last 3 years, since the day i met him.. but i dont know why things fell apart, exactly.. they just kind of did.. and it really hurt me when i saw that it wasnt going to work out between us.. because.. he just made me feel cared for.. he made me feel like i wasnt completely insane.. and that at least someone knew where i was coming from on some things.. and i found out that he's moving to connecticut now.. i cried my eyes out the night i found out (which was about 3 or 4 days ago).. it just really upset me. i can tell our group is falling apart, & when trinity moves, its going to be even worse.. and our friendship is falling apart anyway, but when he leaves... =/ i really miss talking to him a lot.. he was always pretty good at making me laugh.. he's leaving on august 29th, i guess.. and tonight i asked him if he wanted me to give him his balls back before he left.. and by all means, if he wants them, ill give them to him.. they are his, after all.. but i guess in a way its symbolic of me letting him go.. but at the same time, i want to keep them because everytime i see them i think of him.. & a part of me doesnt want to have to let him leave..

so i guess thats what im thinking about now..

2003-07-18T12:54:00.000-07:00

hmmm.. i liked the "sorority slut barbie" thing.. lol.. but yes, anyways. uhhhmm.. i dont know where i was going with this. OH! UPDATES! YES! lol.. soooo, i went to ozzfest on the 8th & warped tour on the 12th.. OZZFEST ROCKED!!! lol.. well, mainly marilyn manson & ozzy.. =) i didnt get burned either! it was nice! lol.. but yes.. between ozzfest & warped tour, i went up to railroad flats to visit gina's sister with my dad.. lots of fun. pretty out there.. lots of kitties!!! eeeep!! and they have cute puppies too. =D im not going to mention the incident, because it just gives me chills thinking of it. but yes, so we came back, had lots of fun.. saturday was warped, obviously. my favorite band was DEFINITELY story of the year! they FUCKIN ROCKED!!!! i was dying to see them all day.. so when the time rolled around, i went over there.. they were on the kevin says stage.. which wasnt actually a STAGE.. they were set up under a big white tent, like the merch booths had, so the crowd was right at the same level as the band.. it was fuckin awesome.. i was the only girl up in the front.. lol. and there was nothing but two strips of caution tape separating the small crowd (only like 50 people) and the band.. and as their set started, one of their guitarists (the same one ill mention later) came up and ripped the caution tape with his teeth... dork. lol.. but yes, so they were playing.. dan, the singer, was always up in my face & shit.. it was funny. then that same guitarist came up and put his forehead against mine while he was playing & screamed the song with me.. lol good times, good times. but yes.. the show was awesome. dan went & moshed with the crowd while he was singing.. and afterwards, i talked to him & adam, the bassist.. theyre actually really nice guys.. dan came over & hugged me & was like "fuck yeh! the only fuckin girl down in the front! im fuckin proud".. it was kinda funny, cuz he said fuck almost as often as i do! lol..

new stories now.. so, the boy. lol.. nick.. he's so unbelievably sweet, i cant even begin to tell you. its kinda nice, too, because hes stable, hes not an emotional wreck.. i really need that in a person right now. well, i need them to be a stable, EMPATHETIC, UNDERSTANDING person.. and he is. i can talk to him about anything, and he doesnt freak out or judge me or anything.. its great. and he laughs at my lame-ass jokes too! haha.. okay, my wrists are starting to hurt, so im gonna go. more updates as they come. =)

2003-07-18T12:40:00.000-07:00

You're Nemo! You love to explore you're boundaries
and don't like to be stuck at home especially
with overprotective parents. You're most likely
a outgoing person and love to make friends!
You're a likeable person so don't change!

What character from Finding Nemo are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-07-15T23:51:00.000-07:00

You're Soroity Slut Barbie! You're easy and you're
really cheesy! Have fun with the entire
football team.

If You Were A Barbie, Which Messed Up Version Would You Be?
brought to you by Quizilla

Billy...What u want most from ur sex is, well, lil'
gurl Billy, ur bitch. U dirty slut go dress up
ur man and then fuck him. He'll do whatever you
want. Yeah, it will be good. ooooo you'll want
more. A lot more.

*Who from Good Charlotte will you fuck and will it be good sex?!*
brought to you by Quizilla

YOU ARE EMO!

You are one big mess of misunderstood emotions.
Unfortunatelly you lost all of your friends
once you started wearing only black, Gap
sweaters and fake glasses. The good news is
that you now have a whole new ring of anti-
social, well-dressed friends. You sure got a
way with style, and the music you listen to is
enough to make even the hardest of people break
down in tears. Times used to be tough, but
these days life is pretty good for an emo kid.
With your short black hair and morbid poetry
you are the envy of every depressed, suicide
attempting, starbucks drinking mallgoer in your
town.

What is your anti-conformist personality?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-07-07T19:50:00.000-07:00

so... ive decided.. theres this boy. that i like. a lot. and im really scared to tell him that. because it would be bad. i mean, it wouldnt be bad. its just that i dont know how its going to turn out if i DO tell him. i mean, he's sweet, caring, understanding, funny, cute, and just overall a great guy. AND HE'S NOT A HORRIBLE EMOTIONAL WRECK!!! isnt that WEIRD?! lol.. but im scared that im not good enough for him. i mean, im not pretty enough (gawd knows ive never been the queen of girliness, nor am i skinny, feminine, or just attractive in any way at all), & i know im fucked up & i bring people down. but i like him a lot. & i dont think he'd be the type of person to push me away when im down. hmmm... should i tell him? maybe i should. maybe i will. i think i should go see him soon. ill con him into going on a double date with jo & karl.. good times, good times. its just odd, because i actually miss him. a lot, too. like today, i havent talked to him at all.. and i wish i could. and i wont get to talk to him tomorrow. or the next few days. cuz ill be gone. =/ im gonna miss him! grrrrrrr... well okay.. i think im going to tell him. okay.. im going to go now. =)

2003-07-06T22:04:00.000-07:00

MY PLANS FOR THIS WEEK!!!!! lol
Monday : work @ KK, hang out with icky rikki & jo, have rikki braid my hair, spend the night @ jo's
Tuesday : OZZFEST BABY!!!!!!
Wednesday : work in the morning, pack, leave for Gina's sisters
Thurs/Fri : visit @ Gina's sisters, come home Friday evening, spend the night @ my dad's with rikki
Saturday : WARPED TOUR!!!! EEEEEP!!!
Sunday : work @ ClubSport

gawd, talk about one helluva week! im going to be sooooo torn up when i work on sunday.. hehehe thats okay =D okay, gonna go for now. not much to talk about today.

2003-07-03T22:47:00.000-07:00

uhhhhhm.... i dont know what i was going to write... lol... eeeeep!! ozzfest is in 4 days!! yayyyy!!! and then warped tour!! ooooh baby... lol okay im done now.

2003-06-30T14:28:00.000-07:00

uhhhmm... things are over before they even started.. no surprise there, though, right? i always seem to fuck things up and really fuck myself over so yenno, i dont even know why i bother anymore. i just.. i dunno. maybe i shouldnt have said anything in the first place, but... i dont know... maybe it needed to be said. i guess ill never really know. what's even worse is that it HURT. its not supposed to fucking hurt! =/ im supposed to just be callous & not care & give up & not want a relationship or love or anything meaningful because it risks me getting hurt.. and of course i get hurt anyway. i cant believe i was stupid enough to ever drag him down & get him involved in this.. its like i told him last night - i bet it was a lot easier to talk to me when he didnt know a damned thing about me... and... blah... i promised myself i wouldnt cry, but i did anyway. and that just made it worse. i wasnt supposed to be crying. i was supposed to be strong, the one who came out on top.. when it was the other way around. im the one who's sitting here feeling like an idiot when he's probably just fine. *sigh* and im just confused.. he told me that he realizes how im emotionally unready for all of this, and he said he was sorry.. whats he sorry for?? i think there are things that i need to just give up on, like dating.. i think im seeing that i cant date anyone else until i COMPLETELY get over 2 people (well its not really that i have feelings for them, i guess, except for one.. but that i need to accept everything that happened) and i take the time to take care of myself and pull myself back together.. because being broken hearted and depressed and hating every stupid little neurotic, mentally unhealthy thing about yourself is not the type of person that anyone would ever want to date.. i dont see how theres anything worthwhile in me.. and i HATE being selfish.. thats what got me into that mess last night. i was doing something "for myself' and decided to tell him everything i had been thinking/feeling, and it just made things worse. a full circle.. things are over before they even started..

2003-06-23T14:25:00.000-07:00

okay okay okay GODDAMMIT im done with those flippin quizzes... well, at least for right now. =D so yes.. uhhmm.. lost my train of thought. lol.. oh! i had a pretty entertaining weekend this past weekend.. i saw "the hulk" on opening night - LOVED IT! *drools* the hulk is the BEST comic book hero to ever walk the face of the earth.. heheh.. ive loved him for gawd knows how long.. OOH OOH OOH! and theyre coming out with THE PUNISHER next summer!! woooo baby!! totally excited.. anyway, yes, right.. lol.. i went to coffee with banden & mikey & billiam on saturday.. then we went to mikeys for a little bit.. then i went to dominiques grad party for a couple hours.. then i went to my dads.. we went & saw "finding nemo" (FINALLY!!!). MAN that movie was soooo cute.. and it made me cry!! hmph. =/ then we had dinner & yada yada and i went home. yesterday.. i worked my first birthday party @ clubsport.. lots of fun.. christina, the mother of the birthday girl, was the sweetest woman! heheh.. it was lots of fun though. and i talked to jay last night for a few hours too.. that was totally awesome.. cuz i called him like an hour or two before i had to leave for work, but he wasnt home, so i left a message.. and he called me back while i was working and left a voicemail for me and told me to call him back.. and we talked.. it was just so good to hear his voice.. i dont get to talk to him as much as i would like, so it felt really good just sitting there talking to him. hes such an awesome guy, he really is. and i found out that his dumbass girlfriend (or ex girlfriend, whatever the hell she is) is stupid. lol well i already knew that, but yenno what i mean. and apparently, in his words, all i gotta do is "say the words" and he'd be back with me.. so thats kind of funny. and we made a pact that if im not married by the time im 30 & he isnt (hed be about 34), then we're gonna get married. lol.. we're dorks, i know. okay, im gonna go now. gonna head out to my dads.

2003-06-23T14:20:00.000-07:00

Ur so fuckin' punk ur into governmental/corrupt
issues and u don't give a fuck. U probably
stand up for what u believe in. U shouldn't
even be takin' this shit, ur probably just
bored. :)

Are u punk, emo, or a poser?
brought to you by Quizilla

you are SENSES FAIL

which DRIVE THRU RECORDS band are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-06-23T14:13:00.000-07:00

"Come Back"

Come back
Please don't leave me now
I'll be all that you need in life
Because I can't live without you and
I know all that you need
I can give you everything
When you're so far you'll forget about me

Which Early November Song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Congrats! You're Andrew McMahon. Mmmmmm just listen
to that voice, its ORGASMIC and so are you!

Which Something Corporate band memeber are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Globes and Maps
long distant relationship, fighting alot... travel..
this song is/ can be about many things. you
decide.

What Something Corporate song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are Dan. You would be the lead singer. You
naturally have girls clinging to you.

Which Story of the Year Guy Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are "Stay with me!"
Woo! You rock, this song has a punk edge to it just
like you! You love to ride around blasting this
song! Keep on Rockin!

What Finch Song Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You're Time After Time! Time After Time is an
unreleased song, its the earlier version of Say
Anything.

Which GC Song are you that's NOT on an LP?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-06-23T13:53:00.000-07:00

ALRIGHT!!! im starting to realize that im taking all these dumb good charlotte & new found glory quizzes because i like the pictures from the results... lol im a geek =D

Good job! You kno Billy almost as good as his
hamsters!(that's a compliment)

How well do u kno Billy from GC?
brought to you by Quizilla

(i think 127 hamsters is a little excessive, dont you? lol)

You're perfect for Billy.

To which GC guy would you be perfect to?
brought to you by Quizilla

(well isnt that one reassuring? now if i could only knock off his girlfriend.... hmmm... *scratches chin* lol)

2003-06-23T13:47:00.000-07:00

Obviously you do I mean come look at the title of
it you just came in here genuis!

Do you like GC if you do take this Quiz(now with pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

You are a good charlotte lyrics expert! You must
sit up in your room, all day, every day, just
listening 2 good charlotte.....well done! keep
up the good work!

GC lyrics, not 2 hard!!
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-06-23T13:44:00.000-07:00

YOU LOVE HIM ALMOST AS MUCH AS I DO!!!!!!!!!!! GOOD
FOR YOU!

BILLY MARTIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (FROM GC)
brought to you by Quizilla

GOOD CHARLOTTE!!!

Chevelle, All-American Rejects, Dashboard, The Used, Weezer, or GC
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-06-23T13:40:00.000-07:00

You are... Motivation Proclamation!
You need picking up when you're at that all time
low

???What GC song r u???
brought to you by Quizilla

You ROCK!!!! You know this album like the back of
your hand like me!!

ARE YOU OLD SKEWL GC?!
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-06-23T13:33:00.000-07:00

Your dream NFG guy is...Steve Klein! Hmmm..i wonder
if he keeps his hat on when he has sex? Only
one way to find out...

Who is your NFG dream guy?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are a New Found Glory guru! I worship you! Good
Job, you really did your homework...you are
truly a die hard fan and that my friend, is
super cool! Keep up the good taste in music and
always remember to STAY GOLD!!!

What is your New Found Glory IQ?
brought to you by Quizilla

you are HIT OR MISS(drive thru ORIGINAL RELEASE)!!
not a lot of people know about you.
go you, you baddass!

which NEW FOUND GLORY video are you??
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-06-23T13:25:00.000-07:00

You're Billy! Lucky you! You're hot, a bit freakish
(just like me) and you live life to the full
even though you're scared of cop!s

Who are you most like out of GC?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are NFG's 1st EP, It's All About The Girls. Raw
and real, this CD showed NFG's potential right
from the start. With some of their most honest
and clever lyrics, this album is a must-have.
It's just a small taste of the greatness that's
to come.

What NFG cd are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

You're "Hit or Miss" off of "Nothing
Gold Can Stay" and "New Found
Glory".... Have YOU found that someone?
Have YOU waited too long??

What NFG song are YOU???
brought to you by Quizilla

your good charlotte--- the bomb of course-the
others are good but ur great

Which of the following are you....finch, fenix tx, good charlotte or nfg?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-06-23T12:52:00.000-07:00

Steve Klein

What New Found Glory Guy Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-06-17T23:20:00.000-07:00

whew.. this whole new layout for blogger really has me all confoozled and turned upside down! lol.. so yes... anyways.. whats new? not too much, actually. well, saturday was graduation, it went pretty well. it got warm though, so i felt gross in that big polyester thing between two big warm guys.. lol anywhoooo... so afterwards, i went home, changed, went out to lunch with my sister, mom, & vince.. dood! i was soooo shocked when dominique came to graduation! i honestly didnt think she was going to. she hasnt shown up to god knows how many get togethers ive had, and she didnt even come to my 18th bday thing.. some friend, right? oh well, whatever. if she wants to spend all her goddamned time with aarya or whatever, thats her damned choice. she promised me she would come to my graduation party on sunday @ my dads.. did she? nope. did she call to let me know she wouldnt make it? nope. so whatever. but yes.. uhhm.. news, news, and more news. lol wait that contradicts what i said earlier, huh? so anyways, i went to the hostel with all of them.. good times, good times.. it was a lotta fun.. uhhhmm.. dont know what else to say. i cant update on a couple things until i know exactly whats happened. i dont want someone reading this and then finding out shit they arent supposed to know! okay, im gonna go for now.

2003-06-13T15:28:00.000-07:00

so, ive made a decision... i like 3 guys, technically.. one of them is fading, because im getting really sick of waiting around.. so... its been done... and the winner is..... *drumroll please*

NO ONE.

im waiting for someone to put themselves out there. and i hope that someone knows who he is.

2003-06-11T14:42:00.000-07:00

well... yesterday was my last day of high school.. NO MORE LOGAN!! gawd i hate that place. my graduation is this saturday, yay jenn! and yes.. lots of things going on. so, i went to civic tour in san jose on the 31st of may, and in universal city on june 7th... soooooo much fun! way freakin awesome!! heheh.. woulda been better if there hadnt been a bunch-o-loser 12 yr olds there trying to scream obnoxiously and get to the front.. honestly, what sex appeal does a prepubescent girl have?? wait - dont answer that.. especially if youre BRANDON.. ew ew ew ew ew! HE WAS SLEEPING WITH A 13 YEAR OLD!! actually, i think he still is.. lol anyways.. moving along (hes so disgusting.) but yes, anyway. so lots of drama lately. while i was down in la last weekend, tony was being a tithead. he said he got into a fight with some guy that was fucking with his sister and giving her shit.. why the FUCK is he doing shit that got him put into jail in the first place?? hes a smart one, isnt he?? so he got mad at me for getting mad at him, and yes. thats where we are right now. hes text messaged me a few times to try and be "normal" and act like nothing happened, but he hasnt called, and im not calling him. lol.. and moving along once more. trinity, trinity, trinity... jesus christ. so i pour my heart out to the child last thursday night, tell him just about everything ive been through (minus a few weird happenings and details), and yeh.. friday night, he doesnt call me, saturday, he doesnt call, sunday he FINALLY calls.. apparently he was having problems with metro pcs and his phone and shit.. but its like, okay, so you couldnt just call me from home? that makes an assload of sense, i guess. =P and so like, yeh.. we didnt really talk much on sunday, just said hi and crap. monday, i call him in the morning to ask if hes going to the pia party at school during the day.. he said he'd go, but he doesnt need me to go get him because hes got a few things to do then hes gonna go.. so he shows up about 10 minutes into the period.. and does he say anything to me? nope. he doesnt say a damned word to me until about 5 minutes after i smack him across the back of the head. and he didnt talk to me at all when brandon was around. is that a surprise? not at all. then we talk online that night, and yesterday, and hes just being callous and distant and overall just cold. almost like hes trying to push me away. whatever. if he really likes me that much, and hes pulling this shit, then hes just shooting himself in the foot and fucking himself in the ass all at once, because hes fucking up his chances. im not in the mood to risk my heart again and "wait things out" - jenn isnt playing those bullshit games anymore. so yes. and apparently craig still likes me. HELLO?! make up your damned mind! and yes... i know that nick likes me.. but im confused with him. long story, so im not gonna go into it.
DOOD! weird shit happened yesterday!! gabe, outta the blue, IM's me & starts talkin to me.. i mean, its all good that we talked n stuff, it was just hella weird.. because there was no attitude, no callousness, no nothing.. he was being nice! lol.. he was acting the way he did when i first met him; how odd is that? okay, im gonna go now. ARE YOU HAPPY LULU?! I UPDATED MY DAMNED BLOG!! lol =D

2003-06-02T21:27:00.000-07:00

uhhmm... so ive been 18 for 11 official days.. how scary is THAT, eh?? i feel odd. like, i dont feel old, or special, or anything, just empty. the thought that im REALLY growing up age-wise and physically, catching up with my mentality, is a creepy thought. i guess i never really believed that it would happen, you know? and im stressed lately. im really really confused about a lot of things. my intuition really is giving out on me, i swear it is.. and that royally sucks, because thats the only thing ive ever really taken pride in when it came to myself.. so anyways. strange things are afoot at the circle k.. lol sorry, a little bill & ted's flashback.. drama going on with tony & trinity & nick & craig and half of the other guys in my life.. im trying to decide between trinity & tony, which ive just been telling people im going along with trinity, but i dont think thats really true. because i dont know if i want to be tied down to TRINITY, per se.. i mean, hes such an awesome person, but i dont know. there is one person that hurt me beforehand, and i just found out that he never meant to (should i believe it though?) and that he still likes me & all that stuff.. im confused. i mean, i WANT to be with someone who's going to make me happy, but i genuinely get the feeling thats impossible. oh well, who cares? im going to be graduating in a week and a half, and im going to just not let myself be hurt anymore (HA! right, how many times have i said that before? im such a bullshitter).. i just get sick of trusting people and being hurt, whether or not they meant to do it.. i know, i know, pain is a part of life, but THIS much pain is abnormal.

this song goes out to someone, if they can figure it out.
"globes & maps" - something corporate
light breaks underneath a heavy door..
And I try to keep myself awake..
Fall all around us on our hotel floor..
And you think that you've made a mistake..
And there's a pain in my stomach from another sleepless binge..
And I struggled to get myself up again..

I WANNA HANG ONTO SOMETHING
THAT WONT BREAK AWAY OR FALL APART
LIKE THE PIECES OF MY HEART..

And globes and maps are all around me now
I wanna feel you breathe me..
Globes and maps I see surround you here
Why won't you believe me?
Globes and maps they chart your way back home
Do you wanna leave or something?

And dreams came around you in a hazy rain
You opened your mouth wide to feel them fall..
And I write a letter, from a one-way train
But i don't think you'll read it at all..

And globes and maps are all around me now
I wanna feel you breathe me
Globes and maps I see surround you here
Why won't you believe me?
Globes and maps they chart your way back home
Do you wanna leave or something?

And I can't take this anymore
Well I know that I can't take this anymore
I can't take this anymore
Cuz I know someday I'll see you walk out that door..

And globes and maps are all around me now
I wanna feel you breathe me
Globes and maps I see surround you here
Why won't you believe me?
Globes and maps they chart your way back home
So Do you wanna leave? Do you wanna leave?
Globes and maps they chart your way back home
Do you wanna leave or somethin?

I can't take this anymore
Cuz I know someday I'll see you walk out that door..

2003-05-20T10:53:00.000-07:00

so its the 20th.. ONE DAY LEFT OF MY MINOR-HOOD!!! yippee skippee!! well technically 13 hours and 15 minutes, but still... so.. hmm.. i talked to tony this morning while i was on my way to school.. he was getting ready for court & whatnot & i decided to text him to bother him & he wrote back, so i called him.. haha.. i guess he called me back last night kinda late, and i was asleep, so i didnt answer it... but yes. so tomorrow, we're (me, tiffy, tina, erin) meeting @ my house @ 10:15 am, heading out to castro valley to cut my hair off, and then out to either todai & stoneridge or claim jumper & sun valley... havent decided yet. hehehe.. okay im gonna go. bye now!!

2003-05-16T11:06:00.000-07:00

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Very High
Schizoid:	High
Schizotypal:	Very High
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

2003-05-16T11:00:00.000-07:00

You are Jean Grey!

Beautiful and smart, you are still just beginning
to fulfill your potential. You have a strong
sense of right and wrong, but are open to
discussion and changes of opinion.
Unfortunately, when it comes to love you are
often torn between two options, and can never
seem to make up your mind.

Which X-Men character are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla

I am a giant mutant kitten. Not strange at all.

Which cute or possibly strange kitten are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Australia -
Founded as a gigantic prison colony, Australia has
turned into a Mid-Level world power. Known for
its wildlife and culture.

Positives:

Reformed.

Culturally Admired.

Mid-Level Power.

Renouned Flora and Fauna.

Negatives:

Founded by Criminals.

Island Nation (Isolated).

Talk Funny.

Which Country of the World are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Moderate
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Extreme
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	High
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

2003-05-16T10:43:00.000-07:00

hmmm... its.. uhhm.. the 16th? yes, the 16th. so, heres whats been going on lately :

yesterday was pretty horrid. i went to school, i didnt go to 2nd period physics (for the second day in a row.. lol), and i was just icky. so me & jo left after 4th period, went to her house, cleaned out our cars, had food, just spent time together.. she kepted me busy, thank gawd.. then we went to two different fabric stores, the mall, and then to my house.. soooo much work to do yesterday, jebus christ.. but i finished my precis! yay! and im just scared that seatons gonna rip me a new asshole for not being in class yesterday... oh well. if he does, then whatever.

so another part of yesterday : tony got out of jail! yippee! he called me yesterday while me & jo were at the fabric store, and left me a message : "hi jenn! its me.. im out of jail now! call me later"... yehhh, hes special. =P but yeh, so i did all the shit i had to do last night.. then jo went home.. and i finished my homework after i picked up my sister from the airport.. and she went out with her friends hillary, & some other chick, and the half korean-half black guy named rex.. he is pretty kute! and freakishly tall! and yeh, uhm, i have no idea where i was going with this.. yes, rex. lol.. yeh, so they went out to mike's bar, i think.. and i finished my homework around 11:30 pm or so.. then i called tony because i told him id call him when i was done with it all.. and we were on the phone for about an hour, and i finally went to bed because i was so tired.. the conversation i had with tony last night was kind of odd, simply because we actually talked about meaningful things, you know? like, we opened up a little more instead of just being friendly. it was pretty fun though.. and it made me feel a little closer to him, so yeh.

becky's asking what color her eyes are. shes a special one. im in french right now, and about half of the girls in the class (though there only 11 total people in the class) are updating their blogs.. hahaha.. arent we great? heaters complaining about something now too. the poor girl. okay, im gonna go now. bye!

2003-05-12T22:23:00.000-07:00

so, its the 12th... 9 days until im a legal adult! jebus thats a scary thought.. so... yes... uhhmm... we have to do this assignment for peer counseling where we cut out pictures of body parts that represent the "ideal" body type of society.. and when i was doing that assignment, it really bothered me.. i guess it just reinforced all of the insecurities and hatred i have towards my own body.. it drove me nuts. im glad its over.

3 days until ryans anniversary. do i even want to consider how im going to be feeling that day? jo's going to come over after school that day, and just spend the day with me, & have dinner with me, so that im not all alone and drowning in the pain im going to be feeling.. blahhhhh.. just thinking about it right now makes me cry.. its hard to believe that just a year ago on the 11th i spent 5 hours with him just lying on his bed, talking to him all night after my junior prom.. and that i was actually happy a year ago.. i think that the time i was with ryan was the only time in my preteen-to-adolescent-and-current years that i was truly, genuinely, not-faking-it happy.. i miss him. =/

2003-05-11T00:16:00.000-07:00

lol i was just thinking about stuff.. me & luis had this beautiful little conversation, essentially where i bitched and he listened and tried to comfort me.. talking about how people just arent worth it and all this shit.. and like.. i have no idea where i was going with this. lol.. OH! okay, so we talked about all the drama thats been going on lately.. and he was telling me how he read this thing & found out what happened & stuff.. and we were talking for a while, and he was like "if someone doesnt like you, or doesnt want to be with you, then why should they be worth your time?".. and i also talked to my friend jay, he knew what had happened, & i mentioned to him the incident that i had mentioned to jo.. something about the person saying "yada yada yada, never leave (or hurt, i cant remember) you, yada yada yada.. that is, if you actually WOULD go out with me.." now i dont understand that. do you? he didnt understand it either.. lol. AND HES A GUY! the way he put it was "okay, so this guy is insecure.. he liked getting attention from a pretty girl like you, but when it really came down to it, there was nothing more behind the attention he returned than greed." & im starting to believe that hes right.. i mean, hes right about a lot of things, but this one seems particularly true. so i dont know. that moment was very confusing. hence why im ignoring what im feeling, because it just makes me think even more and gives me a fucking headache.

so on with the ryan thing.. i cant believe that, in 5 days (4 once i post this.. lol), itll have been a year since ryan died.. i think, aside from davey killing himself, that that incident was the one thing that really pushed me over the edge.. i swear these things just prove to me that god doesnt really exist, at least not in the way that people believe he does.. what kind of god would give a 3 year old child heart problems? what kind of god would give a young man leukemia, then also give it to his younger brother, and have them both die from it? what kind of god would take away the most perfect person in the world at the age of 18? how is that fair? what the FUCK is that bullshit? "god loves his children" MY ASS... if god loved his "children," hed give them the chance to live a long, healthy, happy life, wouldnt he? grrr whatever.. maybe thats why ive been getting so hurt by individuals of the male species so much over the past year.. i really just miss ryan, and miss that feeling i got from him, & gave to him.. and i just want it back. i want everything we had back. i want him back. i dont think ive ever really gotten over any of it. i miss him more than anything, and i really just wont let myself go. but at the same time, i miss him simply because i lost one of the best friends ive ever had.. i guess the problem is that no one could ever add up to what he was.

2003-05-11T00:00:00.000-07:00

events of the day -
went to coffee with friends
went to shop to do work
wrapped mothers day stuff
went to dads & hung out
saw x2 with dad, gina, andy & chrissy
came home.

ive been ignoring my feelings.

2003-05-09T22:43:00.000-07:00

so.. uhhmm.. yes. its like 10:30pm on a friday night, and im sitting at home in front of this fucking computer because im a complete loser.. i went to school today.. then i went ahead after school with jo to the bank, and then to her house, then out to my dads just to hang for a little bit.. then we came back, i brought her home.. went to my parents shop to meet up with my dad.. waited til he got off of work.. then we went out to the mikasa store so that i could get my mom the wine glasses she wanted for mothers day.. & then we decided to go have dinner afterwards.. it was fun, actually.. and yeh.. so.. i dunno. im sitting here right now, trying to console jamie on this whole tina thing.. this is so horrible.. this is making ME cry.. WHY?! *sigh* whatever.. ive been thinking about ryan a lot lately too... 6 days until his 1 year "anniversary".. wow.. i cant believe its been a year.. *sigh*.. oh well.

"there youll be" - faith hill (from "pearl harbor")
when i think back on these times
and the dreams we left behind
ill be glad cause i was blessed
to get to have you in my life
when i look back on these days
ill look and see your face
you were right there for me..
in my dreams
ill always see you soar above the sky
in my heart
therell always be a place for you
for all my life..
ill keep a part of you with me
and everywhere i am, there youll be..
you showed me how it feels
to feel the sky within my reach
and i always will remember
all the strength you gave to me
your love made me make it through
i owe so much to you
you were right there for me..
in my dreams
ill always see you soar above the sky..
in my heart
therell always be a place for you
for all my life..
ill keep a part of you with me
and everywhere i am, there youll be..
cause i always saw in you my light, my strength..
and i want to thank you now for all the ways
you were right there for me..
in my dreams
ill always see you soar above the sky..
in my heart
therell always be a place for you
for all my life..

2003-05-08T13:34:00.000-07:00

well, i just got home from going out to advising day @ sfsu.. im excited about school, for once.. i cant believe that i am, but.. jeez. i swear ill be much happier there.. theres no way in hell i wouldnt be. i love the environment.. the school is just so gorgeous.. and i met this girl today, named veronica, whos a junior transfer, i believe.. shes really sweet, and pretty too! =D heheh.. but yeh, shes a women's studies major too, so its all good.. we were talking for a bit and whatnot.. it was a lot of fun.. shes hella kool. so anyways.. me & my dad went out there, went to the humanities college meeting, then i went to my individual advising.. and he was outside in the sun reading while he waited.. the booger. hehe.. then on the way back, we stopped at this place called windy city in san mateo.. it has the BEST pizza & ribs.. num nums!! we've been there quite a few times, and i could tell my dad had been thinking about it for a while, because he was looking at the exit to get there when we were GOING to sfsu.. lol.. hes a dork, but i love him. so yes, being at the school made me feel a lot better. its about 100x better than being stuck at that godforsaken high school.

2003-05-07T22:35:00.000-07:00

one last bit :
pieces from "walking by" - something corporate

why do you look when youve already found me?
and what did you find that would leave you walking by?
and these nights i get high just from breathing..
when i lie here with you,
im sure that im real..
like that firework over the freeway..
i could stay here all day..
but thats not how you feel[..]
what makes it so easy for you to be just walking by?
what did i do that you cant seem to want me?
where can i go where your pictures wont haunt me?
what makes it so easy for you to be just walking by?

2003-05-07T22:31:00.000-07:00

"post script" - finch (ive had it stuck in my head all day..)
i wish it didnt hurt
hurt like this
to say these things to you
ill sacrifice one moment
for one truth
if we get through tomorrow
then we'll be fine
we'll wait for forever..

its just another day
one more chance to get this right..
ill sacrifice forever
please, just for tonight..
if we get through tomorrow
then we'll be fine..
we'll wait for forever..

the worst is over for now..
take a breath..
now let it out..
the worst is over for now..
take a breath..
now let it out..

2003-05-07T22:16:00.000-07:00

forgot to ramble again... i guess i just need to ramble so that i dont start crying my eyes out later on tonight... well i guess its semi-too late for that.. im not bawling right now, but im still semi-crying.. its like that crying that happens when youre trying to hold it back, so the tears just slowly roll down your cheeks, you know? so... once again, i think my intuition is giving out on me... i dont know whats happened.. my intuition used to be near perfect, and now, its just gone to shit... maybe im good with intuition when i dont actually have any sort of feeling for the person except for empathy, or if im meeting them for the first time.. so, i dont know. i was being dumb, i guess. overly dumb, overly excited, overly caring, if youd like to put it that way. so... yes... once again, ive gone back to square 1, trying to decipher exactly where i went "wrong," so to speak.. where my intuition gave out on me. i dont know. maybe thats the problem with me.. i really do want to be loved so much that my intuition goes haywire when it seems that someone cares about me.. so i thought wrong about this one again.. but hey, whats another one? oh well... as a friend of mine puts it : "youre absolutely beautiful, wonderful, caring, and just overall perfect.. just because you have a few issues - we all do - that doesnt mean you dont deserve the best person in the world to make you happy.." so why havent i gotten someone who was even close? im confused... well not really confused.. its more like "what the FUCK was i thinking?"... im an idiot, maybe thats the problem.

2003-05-07T22:04:00.000-07:00

lol... i was just reading my last post... its pathetic. i was in such a horrible mood all day, but i kept acting nice & happy so no one would see it... arent i great?

2003-05-07T18:54:00.000-07:00

well hello there, my loyal fans! lol yeh, sure... okay, so i took the french AP language test yesterday... BLAH.. it was SO hard! well, the talking part was really hard.. the rest of it wasnt too shabby, i suppose.. i think i saved my ass on the composition.. so yeh. anywhoooo, moving along.. i was talking to the guy im a little confoozled about yesterday, and im happy for him.. he's in his friends band now, playing bass, & today theyre trying out for a school event or something.. yayyyyyy! heheh.. im actually in a really good mood today! its great! i got off of school, took my cousin home.. then went over to my dads place to pick up my money for the drumset, then i went over to the bank to open up a checking account that ive been putting off for like, forever... lol.. so yeh. then i got home from the bank & my necklace for ball AND my SFSU 2003-2004 bulleting had both come today, so i felt absolutely awesome! yay! =D the necklace though... omg... its even prettier than i thought.. man its sooo gorgeous! im in love with it! heheh.. it looks good on me too, which is always a plus, you know? so yes.. its been a pretty good day.. after not having the stress of the AP test, ive felt better.. although im still bitter @ my mom because shes probably not going to let me go down to LA with tiffy, erin, & bitchy danielle & my phil phil.. lol. im really irritated with that though, because we've been planning this for a couple months, & she knew about it, and NOW she decides she doesnt want me going.. arrrrggghhh. but whatever. so yes, i was mad at her all day yesterday and today. and i was in a horrible mood yesterday, then a special boy came online & started talking to me and completely made me forget why i was mad, and that i was even mad in the first place.. lol. so yes.. uhhmm.. uhhh... dont really know what else to say. i think ill go for now. byebyes!

2003-05-05T22:51:00.000-07:00

so, i should be in bed right now, because i have my AP french test tomorrow... I BETTER GET AT LEAST A 3!!! I HAVE TO PASS!!! lol im neurotic, i know.. so lately ive been kind of out of it.. tired, bored, sleepy... yenno, the usual. =D so yeh... problems, problems, and MORE problems.. i sincerely hope jack doesnt read this because i think he'll flip if he reads this & finds out.. okay, so, jack has been pushing tony @ me for a while now.. and i care about tony, tony is such an awesome guy.. but i also feel awkward about it because hes one of jacks closest friends, & hes kinda old.. and now theres a new problem. i met this guy, and i think im starting to like him.. hes really really sweet.. and hes funny, and makes me smile.. and i actually really feel like i can trust him.. but im scared to tell him stuff because i dont want him getting scared off.. especially stuff about ryan, & the things ive done before, or the things that have happened to me before.. i mean, i dont think hed get scared off, but im just.. i guess after all the things ive been through, especially in the last 6 months, im really afraid of him changing his perception of me.. though the perception he has of me right now is rather funny to me.. he tells me that im really sweet & adorable and stuff.. lol; i dont know why thats so funny to me.. probably because i see myself as this psychotic, turbulent, unstable little freak that everyone loves to hate and hurt.. and i really want him to be different from the rest of them.. i mean, the only guys i actually TALK to now are luis, jack, & john john.. and ever since the whole thing with erin & john has started, we dont talk much.. i think i want this one to actually really CARE about ME, instead of just caring because hes an empathetic person in general & cares about everyone.. i was telling him earlier how i miss that feeling.. that whole feeling of loving someone & being loved.. & like, yeh.. i was thinking about it lately, mostly because i was talking to seaton (my english teacher) a couple days ago about this type of stuff.. i genuinely miss being special to someone... like, being the person that someone thinks about each day, & someone that really wants me for who i am, not what i look like (ESPECIALLY not what i look like), not the way i dress, not how smart (or how very STUPID) i am, how emotional i am (thats a problem..), or just what i am on a first impression.. i want someone to appreciate the stupid things about me.. well, the things i say are stupid.. like how much i love kids, kitties, and animals in general.. or how i really love art, especially photography (ansel adams is a god..), or how i could lay out in the forest all day and be happy as ever.. just.. how im an earthy, animal-lover, that is in love with art and theatre and music and... im just... im just jenn. i guess i want someone to be able to share in that definition of myself.

2003-05-05T22:06:00.000-07:00

OMG! you wont believe whats happened! i met my soulmate! lol... (im not actually SERIOUS.. lol.. soulmates dont exist! =P) he listens to practically all the same music i do!! thats so awesome!! & RARE!! lol... and hes sweet too. and cute! and NOT A PSYCHOTIC CHRISTIAN OR CATHOLIC! which is such a relief because a lotta people ive met lately have ranted & raved to me about being bisexual & how its "bad" and all this other crap.. so anyways, just thought id tell you all about craig. HA! SO THERE CRAIG! lol.. =D

2003-05-03T18:40:00.000-07:00

hahaha... its funny lately, actually. ive been in a really good mood lately towards my friends, except for friday when the school day turned me into an antisocial weirdo (*cough* no surprise there *cough*).. funny though, because im actually NOT in a good mood, but ive been faking it. and faking it quite well, i might add. its kept my friends happy and less worried, so thats a good thing. other than that, not much is new. we got our plans hammered out for ball - limo picks us up @ 4:30 pm on may 17th @ my house, then we go to cityscape for dinner, then from dinner to the concourse for ball itself, then from ball to the hotel on hyde st near pier 39.. then we stay up all night, and go hang out @ fishermans wharf on sunday, & maybe go see kat's performance with her orchestra.. my dress is gonna be awesome.. it should be ready sometime this coming week, so i can go try it on & make sure everything fits well. i bought my ballet slippers.. just gotta dye them black. i bought the ribbon for them too.. gotta get my nails done & hair done @ de's the day of though.. my mom wants me to go there, since thats the place where she always gets her nails done, & my sister too when shes home.. and de's an awesome lady. so de's gonna do my nails & - i cant remember her name - is gonna do my hair. OMG! then on the 19th or 20th, im gonna go get my hair chopped off! yippee skippee! im so happy! im gonna go back to stacy monroe's & have elida style it for me.. its gonna be great. okay, anyways, im off. bye!

2003-04-29T19:37:00.001-07:00

2003-04-29T19:37:00.000-07:00

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2003-04-27T10:58:00.000-07:00

woke up at 7:52 am this morning
so far ive only taken my grandma to church
exciting life, eh?