Wednesday, October 01, 2003

 
i think im getting sick. =/ ive been feeling really icky all day today.. its been horrible. last night i sat there and listened to "promise" by matchbook romance over & over for like an hour and a half because i couldnt sleep.. it was lame though, because i just kept thinking about random shit to myself over and over and it was weird because i was making myself laugh through the feeling of wanting to cry.. strange times, kids, strange times.

yenno, i think ive gotten to the point where i dont give a shit whether or not i talk to some people anymore. theyre always "too busy" or just "dont have the time" or they just kind of blow me off, so whats the point? i mean honestly, i dont want to put effort into friendships or relationships where i wont get anything out of it, you know? i mean, some of them i can understand, but there are some where im like... riiiggghhhtt... like those people/friends that sit there & talk to you constantly for like a few weeks, everyday, & then all of a sudden you dont talk to them for days. its just like HEELLLOOO?? did you DIE on me or something?? sheesh! but yes.. enough of that.

so this whole "chris thing" (as my friends & i have been referring to it as) has gotten a little off-center.. because i mean, i have feelings for him, i guess, but im not going to let myself care so much that he really hurts me.. because im already upset by this stuff, but i dont want it to get to the point where im crying over something that doesnt deserve my time.. well not "something," but someone. i dont have the stability to have someone break my heart or tear me to pieces.. i have the strength only to love someone, but not to be in pain.. yenno?

thats enough for now. going to go.
posted by Jenninator 3:42 PM

Tuesday, September 30, 2003

 
i cant believe i lost my whole entry. BLAH! all i said in essence was that im jealous/hurt/upset for no good reason over chris and whatnot. and that i dont think he has feelings for me or anything anymore/again & that im just going to believe that so if something happens, ill be able to handle it. im going to go now. =/ dont want to think anymore. he's been on my mind too much lately, and im going to try and think about something else.
posted by Jenninator 8:56 PM

Monday, September 29, 2003

 
too much to think about... not enough heart and soul to cover it all..
posted by Jenninator 10:27 PM

 
well, today has been a funny little day... i was talking to mikey about the thing i talked about in the entry below this one, & he was kind of laughing at me because i fight with myself internally so much thats its almost like im a schizo.. haha but yes, so today's been an odd one. i thoroughly enjoyed school today (although i was horribly tired all day long).. my english & speech classes were interesting, as always. =) well speech was interesting today because we finished up the presentations that we had put together on friday.. & it was quite funny. =) uhhhm.. right now im listening to "better half" by the get up kids.. im madly in love with this horribly depressing song. =P maaannn.. ive been waiting for chris to come online all evening, but noooooo.. the longer you wait, right? lol.. as jo put it : "a watched pot never boils.. so if you stare @ the door ITS NEVER GONNA BOIL!" (phoebe is great.. haha) but yes... uhhhmm... i dont know where i was going with this. i think im just rambling because im trying to keep my mind off of everything, especially how confused i am right now. ive been singing this DAMNED jewel song for a couple days now.. DAMN THAT YODELING FREAK! =P

"you were meant for me" - jewel
i hear the clock @ 6am..
i feel so far from where ive been..
i got my eggs, i got my pancakes too..
ive got my maple syrup,
everything but you..
i break the yolks & make a smiley face..
i kinda like it in my brand new place..
i wipe the spots off of the mirror
dont leave the keys in the door
i never put wet towels on the floor anymore
cause dreams last for so long
even after youre gone..
i know you love me and soon you will see
you were meant for me
and i was meant for you..
i called my mama she was out for a walk
consulted a cup of coffee, but it didnt wanna talk..
so i picked up a paper, it was more bad news..
more hearts being broken, more people being used..
put on my coat in the pouring rain..
i saw a movie, it just wasnt the same cause
it was happy, or i was sad and..
it made me miss you oh so bad
cause dreams last for so long
even after youre gone..
i know you love me and soon you will see
you were meant for me
and i was meant for you..
i go about my business,
im doing fine..
sides, what would i say if i had you on the line?
same old story, not much to say..
HEARTS ARE BROKEN EVERYDAY..
i brush my teeth, i put the cap back on..
i know you hate it when i leave the light on
i pick up a cup & turn the sheets down
& then i take a deep breath & a good look around..
put on my pj's & hop into bed..
im half alive, but ive been mostly dead..
i try to tell myself it'll all be alright..
i just shouldnt think anymore tonight..
cause dreams last for so long
even after youre gone..
i know you love me and soon you will see
you were meant for me
and i was meant for you..
posted by Jenninator 8:42 PM

Sunday, September 28, 2003

 
have you ever noticed that the more you wait for someone to come online, THEY DONT?! =/ buttheads! uhhhm... yes... as tina puts it, im in denial. im starting to fall for chris again (is that a good thing?) & tina says that im denying it. BUT I JUST ADMITTED IT! so there! =P im trying not to think about it because, even though he & i are really close, i still dont know what hes thinking.. so im trying to keep my mind off of it until i know whats going on. i messed up beforehand by not letting things happen.. and even more so now because i get the feeling that, even if things start panning out, when he comes home, he's going to realize that he doesnt want me.. or whatever. i dont know how to explain it. =/ oh well... im going to go now..
posted by Jenninator 10:05 PM

 
this is bad. this is allllllll bad. jenn's just crazy. but oh well. she's used to being like that, yenno? she's just got to convince herself that its not happening.
posted by Jenninator 11:05 AM